Letting Go And The Music Of Heartbreak.

Many readers ask me about letting go perhaps expecting to be touched by a magic wand -not necessarily by me- so as to forget. Letting go can be a long process depending on their circumstances and there's not one way to it, although there are steps that everyone can take to get there. Letting go is never about forgetting, but remembering with love.

Most people ask how to let go after a break up, sometimes years after it happens, to immediately follow their request by a statement that they have no intention of doing so. There are several reasons for this. It could be heartbreak, longing or resentment. Intention and commitment are essential to obtain positive results. When the intention is to hold on onto the idea of what could have been, all the energy is be directed towards a past situation that cannot be changed. 

It is a misuse of the imagination and an energy that could be used to create a new, more pleasant reality instead. How we use such energy determines who we are, creating the emotional landscapes in which we live. Often the will to let go is thwarted by an unconscious motive. They either have idealised the other person to the extent of creating a perpetual longing for what they lost, or they seek revenge.

Who we are is none of the above, but everyone experiences reality from their level of perception. Both longing and resentment are part of the human experience. We have to go through it until we understand and overcome such stages. 

Popular music or how one listens to it could make heartbreak a much more painful experience, and even turn letting go into an impossible journey that never begins. Making a soundtrack of heartbreak, pain and suffering has a strong element of self-mythology, which is usually scripted by the ego or super-ego. 

To illustrate this point I'd like to share the experience of a young man in his mid twenties, who's somehow still lingering on the heartbreak he suffered when he was only sixteen years old. For months I heard of his suffering, which eventually turned into his inability to talk to women after his 'girlfriend' of two days chose to be with a more decisive boy. 

From that moment on, his choice of music had a clear direction towards a self-defeating narrative. Every song he listened to spoke of a man whose feelings, not only were never reciprocated by the woman he loved, but that saw her marrying a different man. 

Ego's compilation of music becomes part of our identity; and such false portrait of identity, an anchor to life. In this particular case echoing within the message that one is not enough. One of the goals in the healing process is to transcend and detach from identity without renouncing to our origins. 

From the human perspective, it is normal to listen to popular songs that carry a heartbreaking message. These songs capture in a few lines what most people feel but cannot express neither in words nor in any other form, so they become perfect vehicles to channel feelings and emotions, as well as a sense of being understood. No matter who we are, heartbreak is a universal feeling, hence it's no wonder that certain songs touch every heart.

Listening to this type of music does not have to be a negative experience. It is what each individual makes of the experience. Such music can be cathartic and have a positive effect on the healing process, as it stimulates feeling, which in turn is essential in order to overcome emotional blocks. Feeling allows the body to release unwanted energies that have been stored within from childhood. 

The trap appears when for example we listen to songs like 'Someone like you' by Adele and someone turns it into a flag of their pain. Nothing to do with the song, but with individual perspectives and interpretation. There is beauty in pain, and this song, one of many encapsulates all elements required to touch a heart, broken or not. If this song or any other song symbolises heartbreak and longing, as well as bringing memories of the lost lover, it creates a memory, that produces more unwanted energy and only serves to interfere in the process of healing. Every time that the song of choice is played, the individual regresses to a previous emotional state with little or no healing properties at all. In a way, it could turn into a masochistic practice. 

Listening to this type of music with a bottle of vodka and a bucket of ice cream certainly does not help. 

All relationships are about learning and integrating those qualities that attracted us from the other person. Heartbreak is an incredible opportunity to integrate these elements once the they have disappeared from our lives. If there has truly been love in the relationship, one way to honour and heal is through nurturing the positive memories both people shared. 

An example of a popular song that celebrates love instead of dwelling on heartbreak is: 'If I ever leave this world alive'  by Flogging Molly, as it conveys a message of gratitude in appreciation for the time spent together. The amount of songs that help to create a healing and loving energy after heartbreak are endless, and it is our responsibility to create a brighter mosaic of our lives and past relationships. 

It's never the music, but how we listen to it. There is music that heals the heart.

Letting go requires an act of unconditional love for the other person, and can never take place while being resentful or in grief. While it is understandable that there must be a grieving period, there's a point in which we move on, so as to create a better life. Letting go does not mean we don't care or we don't love. Letting go is not only an act of selfless love, but self-love also. 

Finally, no matter whether there's been love or not, nor the circumstances of the break up, love is always the answer. If it's not selfless or unconditional, it is not love.