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Sacred Sex: The Growth In Sexual Energy.

There are numerous references to sexual energy and the power that it contains for personal growth, although they rarely are followed by stories that illustrate the transformative power within such energy. This is one of those stories. In every story there's a moment in which anyone can break from the past, so as to begin to write one more in accordance with the limitless possibilities of the human being.

The life we lead is determined by the choices we make. What matters is what we do, and how we conduct ourselves once we dare to make the choice that serves as a diversion from the usual responses and reactions. From then own, it´s the unknown; a space in which we can begin to get to know who we really are. 

Years ago I met a woman who later on insisted in visiting me. Let´s call her Sarah. After several conversations I agreed to meet her again, despite the fact she had not let go of a toxic relationship or at least the idea of it, for which she had too many questions that have no answers. In any relationship, knowing how to be present dissolves any toxic element that people might carry in their luggage, as if it never existed, therefore, I didn't see a problem there, nor I see it now. When the present takes over, past and future dissolve. It's as logical wanting to find answers, as to realise that at times we don't need them, that we do not need to understand everything. Why people do what they do, why they leave relationships without apparent reason hardly helps in the process of healing and self-knowledge.

We fell in love as soon as we saw each other again at the train station early in the evening.  We both knew this was coming. After leaving her luggage, -both material and emotional-, we headed to a wonderful restaurant with a male client I was working with at the time. This client had difficulties engaging with women, so I felt that it would be ideal for him to have a conversation with a woman in such an intimate environment. And it did!

Back home, intimacy created the loving atmosphere that the presence of another person didn't allow at the restaurant, even though the subtlety of it was obvious. The choice of a public place and the presence of a third person, as well as other people in the restaurant only encouraged between us the playfulness and complicity required for intimacy to grow; to learn to wait while enjoying the present moment. Then came the first dance, the first touch, the first kiss. 

There was neither need, nor rush for more than this, but when I got back to my room she was already naked. I had provided a different bedroom for her. Choices! As I like to sleep on the floor, my bedroom was the only one without a bed. Definitely not an environment that invited to further explore physicality, nor sex. What happened next was a long, long preambule that later on and very naturally would turn to sex. 

Foreplay extended for a long period. When she suggested that it was time, that she wanted me, I climbed on top of her. Penetration was the next obvious movement. Even though she was willing, her body rejected the idea, at which point she told me, -apologising for it- that she wasn't dilated enough. I looked her in the eyes, lingering for a minute or so on top of her and said: "I'm going to fuck you anyway." Yes, I said that, while smiling mischievously. Sarah didn't react to my words. Both her eyes and body language surrendered, accepting that I could do anything I wanted. After all, I was a man on top on a naked woman who had put a lot of emphasis and energy into getting to this moment and took her clothes off without even asking, so why not go for it? 

I laid down next to her, stopping her attempt to apologise. No one should feel obliged to apologise when they're not ready to engage in a sexual act. When one of the partners is not ready, neither is the other one. Trying to build a relationship from a sexual act when it's not the right time destroys any further efforts to create a healthy intimate space between two people, especially if this is, as it would had been in this case, a 'forced' act. It's the lack of patience, empathy, synergy between two people, but above all; respect for the other person. 

Sex is the last step in a relationship. Allowing it to grow organically until both people are truly ready is essential and makes it special, but this requires all elements that are introduced in the relationship when both overcome the urgency of immediacy. What it might seem a lost opportunity now, could turn up to be the seed for something greater at a later stage. It's necessary to understand that what it might appear to be a loss, it's in many cases a gain for those who dare to enter the unknown. 

The unknown is always present. 

Perhaps to mention also, that Sarah is a very attractive woman, what to the male psyche might suggest that resisting the temptation is more of an effort. Not quite! Sarah is above all, a person, and that even though she might have not expressed herself adequately, she did say that she wasn't ready. We hear what we want to hear. We see what we want to see. Then we usually do what we please. I heard NO!

In retrospective, had I gone for it, it would have been rape, although I doubt she would have taken it as such. As mentioned earlier, the first stage I like to engage with in a relationship is intimacy for obvious reasons. It takes time to get to know a person, to establish a friendships through playfulness, trust, respect or understanding of someone's needs. In most relationships, sex has already killed the opportunity of intimacy. Humanity has lost the ability to play, as if adults had never been children, and while in all adult seriousness we fuck one's own loneliness away in any sexual act that takes our fancy, we believe that we're the greatest lovers, while wondering why relations go inevitably down the hill at the first set back.

It's perhaps appropriate to mention that during dinner, Sarah had expressed her desire to explore freedom during our time together. It's a norm in relationships to refuse to act as a practitioner, as I'd do with a client, as this puts me in the place of a therapist, -it might even invite the perception of superiority- creating an unequal position, and perhaps thwarting any possibility to bond. 

It's not the same to do shadow work with a partner, being this a mutual effort, than to become their teacher. Gestalt techniques have a powerful effect in people's transformation. Agreeing to help someone in a relationship under these parameters is almost like buying them a one way ticket to elsewhere. The sound of freedom sounded good to me, so I didn't hesitate to comply with her wishes. 

By asking to experience and know freedom, I couldn't ask anything from her, nor could I take anything she didn't want to give. Freedom is an essential element in any relationship, as it's when people feel free that they give the best of themselves when they feel like it. Nothing is rushed. No one is manipulated. If people do not show at their best in any type of relationships, it's due to the lack of it. In The difference between this relationship and any other is that in this one it was asked from the beginning. Sad to have to state the obvious.

At the same time, someone who already feels free would be able to show their best at all times. 

The following days we had breakfast in local cafés, long walks and played all day long while getting to know each other. Laughter was present throughout. During this time our conversations dealt with traumas and the long lasting effects that they may have on people, relationships, issues that may appear and the creation of character and personality but above all; love.

I don't do anything without a deliberate intention in order to see beyond what might seem obvious. Knowing that Sarah had come out of a relationship where she had been merely the receptacle of someone's lust, I wanted to know her position on this and her understanding of intimate and sexual conduct within relationships, reason for which I said what I said. It was clearly then, that sex was not a space in which she felt neither free, nor comfortable, despite her predisposition to give it. 

During one of our walks I asked her, what would have happened if I had carried out my threat. Her answer was that she would have lost all respect for me, as would have I. "Why did you get so aroused then?" I asked. She then realised that she indeed got excited about the possibility of being submitted when this was clearly not what she wanted. She asked if I knew the answer, but the arousal before the possibility of sexual submission is evidently an issue that had to be explored, although the reason was clear, and it relates to sexual healing, which is a subject that deserves a separate blog post. 

By the third day our understanding of each other and the synergy that we had created was so high that reality began to take a different turn. While we walked holding hands through a busy commercial road she noticed that no one could see us, that we were somehow invisible to others. No one looked at us, not even when I tried to call people's attention in order to illustrate this fact. This can be explained from the perspective that all the energy created helped to raise consciousness naturally, as if we were in a way in a different dimension. By the time we reached home I asked her if she had noticed anyone not only looking at us, but engaging with us, an important aspect that she missed. The people who did indeed noticed and communicated with us from the first day had been society's rejects, the homeless, the mad ones. 

Previously that day we entered a castle that was closed to the public. So high were we on love and consciousness that we didn't see any restrictive signs, nor any of the numerous signs around the city that forbid life itself. Sarah also pointed out that the day seemed like five or six days together within one day. Time stretches when living in the moment, never giving the sensation that a day it's too long, as there's a feeling of elation that goes along with it. There was no need to eat, nor were we tired. During this week many of our playfulness involved sexual energy, which was highly arousing, tangible and easy to transmit from one to the other. Playing with the idea of sex and the palpable desire we continued getting to know each other, letting intimacy take its natural course. No rush for anything, just living and thriving in the moment. 

Most of the conversations related to love, art, writing, music, the possibilities to create something either together or separately, as well as other practical matters. The words we choose, and especially the conversations we have, determine how we feel; the state of being. Talk love, be love. 

It's not a secret that a large number of men, -not all- having been presented with the same opportunity to have sex even when the conditions were not suitable, would have gone for it without hesitation. There's still a great need for men to possess, control and feel power over women. It's the domination of the patriarch deeply embedded in the male psyche and for which there's no excuse. The patriarch is a system and an energy. How we respond to it is what defines us as men. Perhaps to repeat once again, that the action of one man reflects on every other man; that the consequences of certain actions are difficult, and sometimes impossible to heal.  

The day to see and feel freedom arrived. Sarah is a singer and a songwriter. Before our meeting she sent me a few of her recordings, to which I listened to with pleasure and attention. While I knew what song she should sing in order for her to reach the realisation of freedom, I couldn't point it out. It had to come from her, and it did without any suggestion from me. One of the benefits of Gestalt is that creates experiences in which people can see and feel what they're looking for. This is due to the energy being expansive, but also focused on the intention of people's requests, so as to work on the desired issues. 

As Sarah sang her song, she realised that she had already written in her own words the experience of freedom, and this was the theme of her music. It's neither rare, nor surprising that someone realises something they already have and know while using Gestalt techniques. This is not reduced to Sara. The whole of humanity seems unable to see themselves for who we are, and individuals keep seeking what they already have. 

So far there's been a lot of playfulness, conversations, walks and good times together. Sexual playfulness took a good part of this time, but it appeared when it did, naturally and without being pushed into any situation. For obvious reasons I'd omit more personal details. While this stage of enhanced consciousness is possible to reach by everyone without exception, it's necessary to point out that, first; I am a conduit for energy, what makes it easier to reach such states. Higher states of consciousness can be reached with the mind alone. Notice that during these days, we were not chasing money, material things, that we were not engaged in criticising the world or others, that we allowed love to be the sole theme even when dealing with practical matters. 

It's possible to discuss the effects that society and its apparatus have on individuals without vindictive impulses. 

It's also necessary to point out, that this is one experience between two people, one shared truth; that this is not the only way to reach what people want. Comparison or competition with everything that entails, such as envy, lust, anger and/or any other of the lower states of consciousness can never be steps towards happiness, nor love. 

The following post: Sacred Sex: The sexual Act, gives the account of what happened next. 

More on sacred sex:

Sacred Sex: Honouring Heart, Body, Soul and the Miracle of Love.

Sacred sex: Is the sex you have as safe as you think it is?

Sacred Sex: The Sexual Act.

Sacred sex is called as such because it's based on the principle that both partners are sacred, as well as every detail, every moment. It's not reduced to the sexual act, but it expands and reaches any other aspect involving both lovers. Treating ourselves as sacred beings, as well as others is essential in the relationship. It's the encounter of a Goddess and a God, the recognition of who we really are, and the realisation that what we offer to others, we offer to ourselves. In sacred sex, two lovers create an universe of love and abundance. 

While the previous paragraph recreates the imagery of a relationship that sounds and looks idyllic, reaching this state and/or staying there might not be as simple. One cannot reach such states with the mind alone, but must follow a feeling, an indestructible intention that does not give up at the first short fall. Let's not forget that we're humans, beings with a proclivity to break everything we touch. But let's not forget either, that we're indeed beings with extraordinary gifts that we fail to recognise and admire, first in ourselves, then in others. 

It doesn't have to be neither serious, nor perfect. It could be clumsy, showered in laughter and playfulness. It's the perfect time to use the imagination. 

This blog post might not make sense without reading the previous one: Sacred Sex: The Growth in Sexual Energy, which offers an account of how two people get to such a heightened state. 

The previous article describes a period of a few days of foreplay, of getting to know each other by allowing time, patience, trust, understanding, love and passion to flow. A time in which two people experience themselves and each other always enjoying the moment. As those moments were so rich in playfulness and presence, there was no need for anything else. 

Sexual energy was playful and intense, but it was never tense. After five days of play, we reached the bed. Not even then there was any sense of urgency or that this has to be done now. 

What happened next would have never taken place had we decided to have sex the first night under those circumstances. At one point, and while still in the foreplay stage, I could see myself in her eyes and she could see myself in mine. To make this clear. I saw myself within her, as she saw herself within me. This was a moment that showed us both that what we do to others, we do to ourselves, and what we do to ourselves, we do to others. 

It's one of those rare episodes in our lives that makes it clear that sex is, and should always be treated as sacred if there had been any doubts before such moment. The tenderness and beauty of the moment didn't remove the excitement, but it increased the desire. 

Minutes within the act, she noticed that she could feel everything I felt, as I felt everything she did. Such feelings made us to recreate in the moment, to linger, to make a much more deliberate effort on movements  and touch. 

There were, of course many more details that I would not share with anyone, as the information provided so far suffices to illustrate what can be achieved with sacred sex, out of love for ourselves and the other. 

This blog post is not a reference to what other people should or shouldn't do in regards to intimacy or sex, but an account of a reality that may encourage others to explore and play with the possibilities that are presented within a relationship. Sacred sex doesn't have to be reduced to sex within a established or new relationship. It can be applied to any sexual encounter between two willing counterparts. 

There will be future articles on sacred sex explaining in more details the steps that someone might follow in order to create more intimacy and deeper connections within their relationships. 

More on sacred sex:

Sacred Sex: Honouring Heart, Body, Soul and the Miracle of Love.

Sacred sex: Is the sex you have as safe as you think it is?

Fear of Intimacy: The Sexual Pleaser.

Fear of intimacy or the lack of, might be difficult to recognise, especially when someone’s intimate life is ruled by sexuality; sex being the most misleading cause, as it creates the illusion of it. Someone can lead an abundant sexual life, but being unaware of the lack of intimacy or their fear of it. It’s one of the leading causes for unfaithfulness, promiscuity and ending relationships. The purpose being, not getting too close to anyone while creating close connections; not reaching the emotional spaces in which someone believes that they might be exposed to pain and hurt.

Fear of intimacy affects everyone differently, although it’s possible to recognise several types of people that fall into specific categories. In the case of the sexual pleaser, it leads individuals to perfect -in their own way- ideal sexual practices for the pleasure of others, and while sex is also satisfactory to them, they’re own satisfaction is not the priority. There's a reason behind it. 

With this in mind, the sexual-pleaser pays special attention to every detail, focusing all their energy in perceiving and reading the responses of their sexual partners according to their level of awareness, in order to provide the ultimate climax. In their hands, their partners would be most satisfied, even if other parts of the relationship fail or are not as satisfactory, which leads to the constant need to create more opportunities to satisfy the urge to prove themselves, more closeness in order to reaffirm this side of their identity.

The intention to please a partner sexually should be a must for everyone, but in this case, it's driven by emotional patterns that affect the pleaser, creating the opposite of what’s intended. Long term, this behavioural pattern could lead to a deep sense of longing and loneliness. In order to accomplish their immediate goals, focusing all their energy and attention on the other person, they deny themselves the necessary openness to receive as much pleasure as they give. This person is a giver, and givers often find it hard to allow themselves to receive. But this is not the main reason that creates this kind of character and personality. It could also cause to resent others, as meeting a matching partner that dedicates as much care and time as they do might be impossible. Partners get used to what they're given, as the giver follows a compulsive need to give.  

There's a deep longing and selfish motivation to receive equally, but the pleaser won't articulate this desire, which in turn becomes a trap to others. As you don't give them, as much as you receive, the pleaser will see you as selfish or not caring enough.

Balance in intimacy provides solutions, but only when giving is a mutual exchange, instead of dangling between polarities. 

The first step to receive is asking. Usually givers don’t know how to ask, nor dare to. Asking doesn't even cross their minds, as giving is all they know. Not asking is a behavioural pattern that can be traced back to childhood and easy to recognise. It’s a living paradox, living in lack or scarcity, while giving abundantly. The imbalance denotes emotional immaturity, even though emotional intelligence could be high in them. However negative it might sound, it's a trait to be treated with compassion, as in this case, it's lack of awareness and emotional connection. It's also a door to incredible experiences. 

If the relationship doesn't provide for both partners to receive, it's highly possible that intimacy is failing. 

The pleaser senses the feelings of others, but it's afraid to deal with their own feelings. Running away is one certain way to avoid one's own feelings and emotions.

The emotional need urges the sexual-pleaser to act in order to being liked by others, for which reason one sexual partner might not be enough. In their minds it’s a gift to others that has to be shared, and as one partner gets too close to the wound, they run away and please others. The capacity to give equals the inability to receive. In time the emotional void is too intense, not finding what they’re really looking for: love.

Relationships don't last long, and it's not because they don't want to. There's an obvious narcissistic trait in this kind of people. Somehow a sense of emotional superiority in regards to intimacy or sexuality, as one of their most acute abilities is to read someone's energies and by following how people respond to stimuli they know what step to take next. In contrast, there's a lack of confidence and security, but also a sense of not deserving enough. 

Pleasing a partner sexually is in itself a wonderful experience. However, the lack of balance impedes the sexual-pleaser to delve into their own intimate experience in which they can learn to receive. As the focus is on the other person, the sexual-pleaser is missing in human touch and the feeling that comes from the patience and stillness in receiving. 

There's a mixture of insecurity, which creates the need of being liked, as well as lack of trust, resulting in avoiding being touched by their partners for as long as it's wanted and necessary. At the same time there's a deep desire of being touched, and being loved by touch. 

It's unfortunate that we live in a world where we don't allow ourselves to receive what  we most desire: love, intimacy, human touch.

Such comfort zone is a rather uncomfortable emotional space, facing an abyss that requires the courage of a leap of faith allowing themselves the pleasure of being touched, to surrender  and explore their own body through the touch of others. While touching and giving, one is in control, receiving requires losing this urge. Trust can only be challenged by allowing, not reacting to it. It does take little to overcome the initial discomfort once we surrender the resistance by allowing. 

One of the problems may be that in finding a partner that matches their expectations and desire, choosing instead someone they feel comfortable distrusting and most certainly they do not wish to be with long term. This choice, -more rational and conscious than one would think- is the perfect excuse to stop themselves from opening up to others, so as to avoid being touched deeply.  

It's the irony in underestimating others. The exploration of intimacy, no matter how casual or superficial one may consider it before it takes place, can surprise most people when they feel touched the moment someone opens their heart and offers their bodies to them. A simple kiss may suffice. Everyone has the ability to touch someone else's heart and soul. All that's needed is to look at someone in the eyes long enough until the resistance to see and being seen is dropped. If people don't love more, don't find more love is because we fear the hurt that might come when allowing loving and being loved. The "one has to kiss many frogs ... " saying is nothing but an excuse to continue choosing partners we don't want to be with, to avoid exploring love and intimacy with someone we really want to be with. 

Kissing frogs is nothing, but an excuse to avoid love and intimacy

There's opportunity, and there's opportunistic. There's a substantial difference between both, and it's not only important to recognise it, but to act accordingly depending on what someone wants from their intimate experience. It's fine to kiss all frogs along the way, as long as we admit to ourselves that frogs is what we want. Kissing frogs is also indicative of lack of confidence and faith in meeting what we want. 

Kissing frogs does help to build confidence, but also creates the illusion that this is all there is, which in turn affects negatively  the confidence and faith in finding what we want. It reinforces a belief. Everything is a paradox. The problem and the solution all in the same place.

Those who boast about their sexual abilities do not fit into this category. The narcissist will always tell you who they are and what they're capable of. Know and see the difference.  

In the self-mythology of the sexual-pleaser there's a self-portrait which speaks of a special being that goes through life gifting and teaching others the art of love. It's a 'teacher' that stays for short periods disappearing once they feel that the lesson has been taught. It's always the same lesson from condescending 'teachers' to willing students that feel abandoned, if not betrayed. They might have enjoyed the generous touch, the gentle presence of the giver, but by taking it all away, the lesson is one of lack, not of love. Irony after irony both learn new steps in the quest of love, but the sexual-pleaser has to recognise that only by allowing themselves being touched they can reach their own heart. 

While sharing their intimate experience with those we do not want to be, the energy that's created and the message that's being sent to the Universe is that anyone can enter that space if only for a while. At the same time it attracts people in desperate need for human touch. Tragically, it prevents those with whom we can create a deep and healthy connection with from entering our energetic space. The problem is not in other people, but in our perception of them.

A life's path is created by the decisions we make here and now. In stillness we find the courage and patience to discern, to choose wisely, recognising that what might be convenient today, might not be what we're looking for, as well as to accept that what we're looking for could be just around the corner, and probably is. More often than not, we don't find that space, being occupied doing things we don't want to do with people we really don't want to be and pleasing them while they keep us company in the waiting for love, not knowing that sometimes love is one decision away. 

One does not wait for love; we wait in love. There are worse things than not being liked. 

The positive part and one to look forward to is that once we allow themselves to receive, our ability to experience pleasure and intimacy can reach heightened states of love and consciousness. Usually it takes place when the pleaser begins to explore different tempos, knowing when to stop and how to delay the giving in order to delve into it together, as it is together, when one looks and treats the other as equals that intimacy begins to flow. 

Changing these perceptions is a process that requires time, as well as several new practices and ways of seeing life, the self and others, but it's possible. 

Finally, when kissing frogs, you're not kissing a frog, you're kissing yourself. Think about that! I kissed many frogs to not only realise that they were not, but that I was being an idiot. The idiot within is another character to celebrate, but that's another story for another day. 

There are, of course, healthy ways in which to change such perception and behaviour, but this is a process. If this sound like you, or like your partner, there are questions to ask. It's not that you don't know intimacy or don't want to know it, but that you or them, don't allow it.

The Runner: The Lover That Doesn't Want To Be Loved.

The runner is on the loose; either aware or unaware of the trail of heartbreak that leaves behind. Unaware of the their own heartbreak, or what reasons they have to keep running as soon as the feeling of safety in a relationship takes hold of them. For the one left behind, understanding this feeling might be difficult, if not impossible. Since I started writing about the runner, I've received hundreds of emails requesting more information on what could be done to stop first, and then, to transform this pattern of behaviour, as it's cause of pain and suffering, not only to those who are abandoned, but also to the runner. This article is written with this intention, as well as the kind of work that's involved. 

The runner is a person ruled by contradictions. In a way we all are. Perhaps the contradiction that tortures them most is the longing for love and to be loved, while being unable to fully surrender to love at the same time, or the inability to keep a relationship. It's human condition to complicate life in order to explore the labyrinth of the collective unconscious and its effects on an individual quest, -me against the world- trying to find answers, to learn what's truth, what's not, to one day realise that everything is so simple, that the answer was already there, and we knew it all along. In between we follow the dictate of the noise of the world, which eventually ends echoing within, ruling the mind.

Unless there's a clear vision of the world, it's normal to do what we're told that works, even if we have to go through a turmoil of emotions and experiences that go against what we believe and truly want, which do more harm than good. Before someone knows the way, it's usual to try what doesn't work. "Before we know who we are, we have to see who we're not."

The moment that triggers the urge to run is overwhelming, an energetic space, both too familiar and too mysterious due to the difficulty to interpret it. This space expands inwards and outwards taking over someone's whole being with an emotion that extends to the infinite. Vertigo inevitably follows. It's not surprising that the runner goes and do what they do best; disappearing wit an explanation that only they believe.

Understanding this feeling is more important than whatever reasons or excuses the runner may have to leave. The reasons, as well as the explanations are contradictory and futile. If emotions are hard to put into words, the encounter with the infinite within proves to be more so. In a world that feeds on the weakness of people by the make-belief that we're limited beings, it's not surprising that the response of the runner is either fear or panic. 

In the past, the runner has either suffered, witnessed, and most likely experienced both, the hard way the effects of failed relationships, in which abuse was prevalent. It's also likely that the runner has experienced abuse and rejection from birth. The kind of abuse could have been verbal, physically violent or even sexual. In other cases it could have been subtle, such as controlling parents or a controlling environment, surrounded by types of forceful behaviour that limit the individual, affecting their relationship with intimacy. The people who were supposed to love and protect them not only didn't, but used their position of power and authority to take advantage. For the runner, love is not a safe space, or at least it doesn't feel like it.

Paradoxically, the runner eagerly seeks love and won't be shy at taking the opportunity to explore love with someone else. It's not so much that they don't want to be loved, they don't know how to allow it, although in time they get so used to not being loved and/or to reject love that it becomes the norm. Meeting someone and creating a relationship is the easy part. They're likely to be creative, charming their way to someone's heart, having the ability to make the beginning of the relationship truly magical. 

The first obstacle appears when in creating the relationship they try to fix the relationship pattern that they witnessed failing or the moment in which they reach the phase in which they've already accomplished creating a relationship that matches their ideal. At this point, the runner drops the creative energy and effort becoming stagnant. Creating beyond this point is a real challenge.The purpose is to create the ideal scenario that in their minds is perfect with the belief that once all the parameters have been set, the relationship settles in the flow of love and abundance. There's no vision beyond this point. because this is an experience never lived and which has to be created. Unfortunately, we do tend to create what we already know. It's essential to understand this.

The feeling that urges the runner to leave is the inability to live in safe and loving spaces, the lack of trust in love, not so much in their partners. It's the sensation that they've hit an energetic wall, so deep, wide and tall, that even thinking about how to get to the other side is exhausting and demoralising. This emotion is not to be taken lightly, however difficult it might be to imagine it. It takes the runner to a different dimension. They're now fully into the unknown. 

No one enters the unknown feeling equipped to cruise through it. The unknown is a place where we stumble before we flow, hence, it's tempting to return to the comfort zone. In the case of the runner, the alarms sets off because they move from love to vertigo within a matter of minutes, even seconds. The abruptness of the change in emotions can be and usually is overwhelming. It's also an intense encounter with the feeling of being all alone once again. Panic follows. From here on, there are two options, to stay and go through the storm of emotions that follow or to leave and return to the same old habits. The first step takes courage and patience, the latter is a walk back to the comfort zone, however uncomfortable this might feel and no matter how spectacular or poetic they may make it sound. We can convince ourselves of anything in order to avoid the leap of faith the holds the key to universal love.

The answers to the dilemmas we're tormented by are in the stories we tell ourselves. The problem in finding them is that most people speak what they want to hear. 

It's important to remove the romantic tag from the runner, however charming or enchanting they may be. Runners in their comfort zone can be predatory, slowly weaving a web in which to trap lovers they do not usually want to be in a long term relationship with, seduce them with their stories and that evasive air of mystery and mysticism so easy to recognise in them, and which, to others might look like freedom. 

The runner is also propense to theatrics and drama and have worked out subtle ways to make it sound as if it's somehow their partners fault that they're leaving even when they utter the famous "it's not you, it's me! sentence. It sounds more like, "damn you for not rescuing me from this space after opening my heart to you."

At some point the runner will numb their feelings. While this reaction is a natural defense mechanism they've created, the coldness that follows tends to be heartbreaking and devastating to others, as well as to themselves. To their partners because they feel used and abandoned, to the runner, because living in an ice house is not where they want to be. It doesn't feel like home, and it's not home. 

The coldness of the heart is not a place where anyone can stay too long without serious consequences. Soon they come out seeking the warmth of love and the touch of others. From lover to lover, the runner loses touch with their conscience and their heart, often validating their way of living by creating a self-mythological figure that believes that they're teachers demostrating others how to love. "Learn the lesson I came to teach you now and live with it", they'd say. Unaware of their own coldness, they move on to the next lover without kindness, nor compassion for the person left behind. If they remove you from their lives, it's because they neither want to deal with the emotions you raise in them, nor they believe they're capable of. It's easier to keep looking outside for answers, and in their minds, a new lover will come with all the answers. Little do they know that a new lover will only come with the same bag of emotions and undealt with issues, making the runner feel great for a while, but even worse afterwards. 

It's also possible that the runner meets controlling lovers that try to tell them what to do, sensing their desire to leave from the beginning. The runner will tell that they are leaving or that they never stay long, a deliberate act that gives them the upper hand and puts you in the position of the chaser. Being involved in this unhealthy dynamic, the runner would get the worse of their lovers, in which case, they'd leave at once. However, it's necessary to know that the runner surrounds themselves with a set of emotional traps imposible to avoid. If one doesn't provoke you, they're throw another one at your feet in front of your very eyes without any remorse or shame, then blame you for your reaction. It's provocation. Nothing else. But as it's directed at the heart, not reacting to them it's a natural reaction almost impossible to avoid. It hurts. 

Despite the above description, the runner doesn't have to be a bad person and most likely is not. They're like everyone else; people learning to love their way back home.

On the other side of the story, the chaser develops controlling mechanisms, which do not serve the purpose either, as these instruments of control are developed with fear. This approach doesn't work either, as the chaser enters a phase in which panic takes control of them, and in which both, love and creativity suffer setbacks. If there's neither love, nor creativity, relationships die. Fear is paralysing and it affects both lovers. 

It's not easy to find a standard answer that serves all, as every runner reacts to different triggers and according to their personal experience, as well as to their partners. In theory, the solution is simple: stop, stay and enjoy the unknown, being in love with life, love itself and  with someone else, but not reacting to the emotion is almost impossible. All the energy that's wasted in running and destroying love could well be used to create a relationship in which love, harmony and abundance is limitless, but for this to happen, the runner has to make a conscious effort to remain and explore possibilities that can only be found in the unknown.

The common mistake in all runners is to react to their inability to process their own emotions and run. Emotions are linked and even blamed on the other person, creating the illusion that without their lovers they'd be safe. Running is a futile exercise, as it's only running towards the same time and again, only that represented by a different face, a different voice, a different environment. It feels safe for a while, but it's more of the same illusion. 

It's necessary to look at someone's personal history in order to find where the triggers initiate, as well as finding resources that allow different responses that permit to create new paths. The runner is not reacting to their lover, but to the reminiscence of a feeling experienced during their earlier years. 

The urge to run in the runner goes so deep that even when I work with clients dealing with this issue they tend to disappear for long periods, despite the fact that ours is a professional/client relationship with well defined boundaries, as well as a safe space to explore within themselves what's too emotionally intense in a romantic relationship. 

Gestalt techniques and psychodrama offer a wonderful array of possibilities for the exploration of this character, the fears that create the urge to run, as well as showing the strengths, confidence and above all, to show the runner, that love is safe, and that being with someone they truly want to be with can be more rewarding than fearful. 

It's time that the world learns that love is the safest place to be. 

They say that curiosity killed the  cat. I say that lack of curiosity is killing the human being. Lack of curiosity for love, for the adventure, for learning what we are, and expressing the limitlessness of who we really are. 

The book 'Reuniting with the Twin Flame' is now available on Amazon. Dealing with dynamics and a detailed exploration of the twin flame relationship, the content is exclusive to the book and cannot be found on this blog. 

For soul readings, visit this link. or contact me directly 

Creating A Successful, Future Version Of Yourself.

Most people understandably seek emotional safety and certainty of the future in and from others, not knowing that the making of their future portrait lies in their hands. While the certainty of the specific future cannot be guaranteed or manifested as someone may wish it to be, it's also possible to work towards it. The main problem in creating the future is that the mind tends to take as reference present and past experiences, which can be perceived as impossible obstacles to overcome. The way forward for a different future is to do something different, easy in practice, not so easy in practice, as there's a natural tendency to resort to the usual habits and patterns of behaviour. 

The first step is to accept that there cannot be certainty of the future, although it's possible to challenge this belief, and with focus and dedication get closer to a desired reality. Everything is a paradox. Depending on the level of perception we might get lost in the contradiction. What is true now, it doesn't have to be true tomorrow. The key to everything we want is in energy. Everything is energy. When properly managed, it can change anything, everything and everyone. Energy can either flow or remain stagnant depending on actions, thoughts and words. What's done today is a step pointing at the future we are going to. 

Energy is much easier to manage than what it might seem. 

The process is simple. The practice might not be so. Every word, action, thought and intention carries a determined energy, and each of these elements plays an important part in someone's development. Intention is created from an idea, thought or feeling. Keeping the energy of the initial feeling is essential in order to succeed despite the obstacles one might face in the process. Persistence no matter what! The higher vibration in the feeling, the more powerful the intention. In order to reach a high vibration with an intention, its nature also determines the direction. An intention could be born from the best idea, but could be not a vibrational match to its essence for several reasons, such as morals, principles or beliefs. Matching both is also essential. 

Another obstacle is the resistance to get excited, to allow ourselves to be happy by aiming and getting something we really want. It's a usual characteristic in people not to get too excited about a brighter future. The feeling has a root in the belief that we're not good enough or don't deserve it, which is stored in the energetic storage of self-worth and self-esteem. Listen to yourself, and when it doubt seek the source of the information carried in your thoughts, which is most likely coming from a parent expressing in multiple forms that you're not good enough. 

If the idea is to serve the greater good, but the intention and purpose is only to make money from it, the goal may be reached eventually, but it's also possible that it never sees the light of day. This is only an example. Serving others and financial gain are matching energies, but if your belief is flawed and perceive that, either, you're not good enough or have negative believes about money, the new venture won't blossom. One belief cancels the other. The idea and personal belief  that someone may have on money could block the intention. However, regardless of one's personal belief system, it should not deter anyone from pursuing or achieving their goals. In most cases it's a matter of shifting someone's energy into a new belief. 

Shifting beliefs can be perceived as a painful process or even an impossible task. It doesn't have to be. One of the obstacles that people find in their way to success is the wrong beliefs or perception that they may have. In order to change this, first, someone has to be aware of what's stopping them. This could be a difficult task, as we often don't see that the first barrier between us and success is the self. Seeking professional assistance may be a step forward in the right direction, as one simple realisation can improve or change the views that we have on the world, goals and the self. 

Intention is followed by words, thoughts and actions, all of which ideally match the vibration of the idea and the intention. In this case, the project is the development of a person, but the process can be applied to anything else. Whatever the project, it carries someone's personal imprint, reason for which one also may want to consider who to share it with or whom to get involved. When energy is high, people, situations and every other necessary element will appear to make it possible. 

It's best not to share your dreams, goals or the decisions you make with anyone. Explaining ourselves to the world eventually turns as a justification for being, losing strength and the sense of purpose. Most people are too quick to give unwanted advice, feedback or even criticism finding fault to everything. Remember how many times you've been told that something is not possible, yet, there are so many people around the world living their dream because they believe that it is indeed possible. 

Successful people don't listen to the noise of the world. The noise of the world being the collective unconscious to which most people contribute with their negative experiences and the fall out of dreams they never pursued. 

Get excited and keep the energy contained. It's a matter of working on it, to express it with action and movement which in turn will bring more ideas along, as well as the right people. There are also a large number of encouraging people out there. Not everyone falls for the negative. Some people actually want to see you succeed. 

Talking about it and sharing it with others is often detrimental, as many people do not share the same intention, nor want to see you succeed or being happy. More often than not, the closer we are to someone, the more discouraging they'll be. Get excited, live the excitement while working on it, and let others guess why your energy has shifted. If you're not being successful, you might be surrounded by toxic people. Let them go!

It's important to consider the energy that is created during the process. Every action is stored in someone's energetic field throughout time. The energy that is created today is probably the energy they're going to be living with tomorrow. There is a key element in this process: integrity. By taking action and achieving small victories that take you one step further to what you want, you're storing a new memory in your body and psyche, which in time will help you to get there. 

Not every action that you take has to be a victory, and that's OK, but one successful step already serves to change perception and to show you that you're on the right path. 

If while reading this your reality is not the one you desire, it doesn't mean that you don't have integrity, but that perhaps certain steps towards your dreamed future has taken a few detours in the wrong direction. Experience and the mistakes made throughout are invaluable sources of wisdom, as well as pointing out in which direction not to walk to. 

It's easy to see how the process develops by feeling the energy that creates. Thoughts must match words, words match actions and all together the intention. However imperceptible one may think the dissonance appears to others and that they can get away with it, with good words or perhaps symbolic, public actions, energy speaks before any event takes place. Follow the energy of the feeling, not the outcome. Energy can break through any obstacles and remove from your life the most pessimistic person.

To create a beautiful portrait of the self, it's necessary to focus on one's goals. How to get there is not as important as getting there. However, it doesn't mean that for this purpose someone can deviate from the moral compass. Integrity is a must. In order to be successful it's necessary to say no to what's convenient now, -even if it doesn't make sense or makes you uncomfortable,- so as to reach what's important at the end of the journey. The process is about creating opportunities, not about being opportunistic. 

Deep within everyone knows who they are, what we're meant to do with our lives and the kind of person we want to be. To be who and what we are, we do not need to wait another forty years. This is a decision that anyone can make here and now. It's likely that throughout the process we meet the opposition of many people, especially those who claim to love us the most, and that in order not to antagonise them we deviate from our true calling, always returning to square one, becoming discouraged and depressed because they neither understand, nor support you.

Learn to listen, so as to hear what people really want to say. Again, follow the feeling.

Family and friends are usually the first ones to find problems to every solution, to put obstacles in someone else's way while showing that they care or love. They probably don't know better, and it's possible that they never listened to you. Family and friends tend to project their issues, what makes it, seeing you almost impossible. At some point they must go or stand aside. Relying on the opinions of others to embrace who we are, we'd never get anywhere. 

The process doesn't have to be dramatic or painful. Begin the process knowing that you might meet obstacles and accept that this is OK. Every challenge is an opportunity for growth. What's essential is to focus all your attention and energy on your goals, rather than fighting the opinions of others. 

What's important to have in mind is that every action can change the energy that drives you. If it doesn't feel right, it's probably not. I can't emphasise enough how essential it is to acknowledge that the future can change anytime with one heartfelt action, as well as to remember that the energy that's generated can change your life forever. If you're capable of one small success, you're capable of many more. What you want might not be possible by hitting the jackpot or in a day. 

A simple example.

Writing a book takes time, energy and effort. Writing regularly is necessary. Writing is not something we talk about, but something we do. Each page is one step forward towards the end. It might take several books, several songs, different courses or qualifications, or a minimum of months to transform your body. All these goals have one thing in common: persistence. If the energy feels right today, it might be an activity that you want to take on tomorrow, and as you practice every day, you improve your skills, see what works and what doesn't. 

All broken dreams have one thing in common, people never worked towards them. Think about it. 

The following article also offers guidance to get what you want:

The freedom in being authentic. 

The book 'Reuniting with the Twin Flame' is now available on Amazon. Dealing with dynamics and a detailed exploration of the twin flame relationship, the content is exclusive to the book and cannot be found on this blog. 

For soul readings, visit this link. or contact me directly 

To Find Love, You Don't Have To Love Yourself First.

Rumour has it that you have to love yourself before you find love. New age rumour. The new age seems to have a number of unsubstantiated rules and regulations that have become part of the collective unconscious, and while they might come with good intentions, can cause more harm than good. That someone has to love themselves before they can love others or find love is one of them. Anyone can love anyone else anytime they feel like it, and definitely someone who has not yet learn to love themselves, which is the majority of people, can still find love and a relationship

Loving yourself definitely helps to find love, as the energy someone functions on and emanates is higher and more inviting to others. In fact, it's possible to be in love, even before meeting someone. Being in love is a magnet, therefore attraction and love are easy to manifest. It's the natural state of the human being. Whether we are connected or not to such source is a different story. This is a fact that I know from experience, and which I believe to be true for many. However, it's not an essential step in the quest of love. 

Telling someone to love themselves before finding love is the same as telling people that  they don't deserve love. While the intention might be good it can affect the confidence and self-esteem in someone who's already feeling low or unworthy of love and send them straight to depression. What in the spur of the moment -because this is a cliché- and could sound wise coming from someone who goes from cliché to cliché in order to look well versed in the spiritual journey, is not wisdom. It's actually a rather unwise thing to say.

Furthermore, someone who loves themselves, but have not been able to find love or the appropriate person to have a relationship with could begin to believe that they're also unworthy of love. There are many people who love themselves that remain single for this reason. This is a limiting belief and one that goes along the line that we're not good enough, and that we don't deserve love.

Over the years I had the pleasure of serving many clients, mostly working on their relationships issues. I have not yet worked with anyone who wasn't deserving of love or couldn't find it, as they all reunited qualities and attributes worth having and worth loving. Most of the issues they were dealing with were obstacles that people find to love or to be loved, which is a natural stage to go through for everyone, and which are developed throughout life by a constant exposure to abusive elements. The reasons to reach such beliefs are simple. This is what we've all been told repeatedly from birth, if not by parents, by siblings, friends, peers, stranger or by the many voices of the collective unconscious.

People might be facing fear of love or intimacy, fear of rejection or abandonment, feeling unworthy, recovering from deep traumas caused by abuse of neglect. Some people have greater social skills, others may be less attractive, but still attractive to someone. All these reasons influence people's self-worth and confidence, but there's no reason why anyone couldn't find love.

Having worked with so many people in building their strengths, positive attributes and self-esteem in order to help them solve their limiting beliefs, I know that it can be a lengthy process, which can be dismantled by sentences such as this. And it is a sentence. A prison sentence. Most people already live in the prison of their limiting beliefs. We don't need more of it, especially not coming from the spiritual community.

I also know from experience that in order to reach a successful outcome, clichés don't help. There's not one standard answer for everyone. The problem with throwing clichés around camouflaged wisdom, is that everyone is dealing with different issues, and that while one answer serves many, it might not apply to the someone else. Even the same answer has to be adapted to the character, personality and experience of that person.

It's not possible to treat everyone in the same way, therefore clichés don't work. Clichés only work in the collective unconscious, while love is an energy that moves in the collective consciousness. There's a great difference between both, as there's is between shadows and light. Clichés are in fact great selling techniques targeting people's weaknesses. A cliché is the box everyone talks about. It doesn't require thinking.

Everyone is born in love. From that moment on, we learn fear from family, society and culture. Learning not to love ourselves is a consequence of how society as a whole is separated from collective consciousness and any resemblance of love. Love is not what drives the world. Fear is, and so, people do respond with reactions to love.

The tragedy is that unconsciously we continue doing to ourselves what it has been done to us, acquiring and prolonging bad habits, which become normal automatism for survival. Family and social pressure follow a pattern and modern of education that is nothing but a bullying system that forces most people not to be themselves. While adapting to uniformity, we lose authenticity. It's nor surprising that many people insist on the important of self-love and self-parenting.

It's important to consider that someone people had terrible experiences in relationships or just ended one, what makes, asking someone to love themselves in order to receive something that is natural to us all; love. It's the same manipulative and controlling attitude that individual and the collective have used forever. You can't have this until you've done that.

There's nothing to prove to anyone. Nothing that we have to do in order to love or be loved. This popular saying has nothing to do with love. If you believe that you need to do something to find love, you'd need to keep doing something to keep love, which is an unconscious reactions to fear of abandonment. It's the illogical reasoning imposes and demands love: I love you, hence, "you have to love me back."

While learning and exploring self-love, self-care or tackling some of the deeper barriers that affect the development of the relationship that we have with the self and/or a partner, to love yourself first is not a requirement to find love. Love is everywhere and it could appear anytime.

We've been taught to fear from the beginning of our lives, and acquired every other sub-product of fear there is, which we implement in our relationships with others. It's time that we begin to understand and speak the qualities of love, and with the qualities of love, which sound and feel of freedom, creativity and expansion. There are no rules. I wish people stopped punishing others with this so-called new age wisdom.

Listen not to the words of others, but to the feeling you have when talking to others. If it's a conversation about love and it's not uplifting, it's probably not loving.

Since publishing this blog post last night, I've received numerous replies, mostly unkind, to put it mildly. First, I already wrote about how magnetic and attractive one can become when one vibrates in love and the feeling comes from within without the need for someone else to make us feel complete. The blog post can be found in this blog. Second, this is not an article on self-love, just pointing out the lazy sentence that leaves people feeling unworthy of love. Third, most of the comments I've read have been unkind, condescending and even abusive, not to mention that they were off topic, and it seems that didn't read the article, just wanted to put their message across.

I don't know how people can talk about self-love while using abusing and patronising language. It only proves my point further that some people talk about things they don't know about it because they don't feel it. If there's no love in the language, there's no love in the message.

Related articles:

The Freedom in Being Authentic.

The book 'Reuniting with the Twin Flame' is now available on Amazon. Dealing with dynamics and a detailed exploration of the twin flame relationship, the content is exclusive to the book and cannot be found on this blog. 

For soul readings, visit this link. or contact me directly