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Why Some Men Turn Their Lovers Into Mothers.

Sometimes relationships are denaturalised, losing their essence and purpose, when the woman consciously or unconsciously becomes their partner's mother. While mothering and nurturing may be natural in a woman, it's often the case that such turn occurs in a response to the needs of men. It's not a woman's desire to become their partner's mother.  The relationship becomes unequal, the male partner begins to be triggered by the same or similar situations he previously experienced. There's a risk that along the way the man turns into the worst version of his father, as he may relive childhood's home dynamics. 

It's essential to mention that this is a common occurrence in relationships, and that the intention of this blog post is first, to make it conscious, and second; to find solutions. 

It's also necessary to emphasise how important it is to remove the tendency to find blame or fault in either partner. Blaming others in any situation ruins the possibility to perceive the lesson involved in the experience.  A relationship is a two way partnership, for which there's also a natural, unconscious inclination in the woman to fulfill this role.

The problem roots at the birth of patriarchy. We're simply following the inertia of a mandate created at a time where the needs of humanity might have been different for survival. Women were disempowered, while men began to separate from the divine masculine, or the good qualities of masculinity. Qualities that could be regained anytime a man wished to. 

That men might be unconsciously entrapped within an obsolete set of rules, beliefs and patterns of behaviour without an enlightened direction in regards to what to do, doesn't serve as an excuse for have low we've fallen. Patriarchy doesn't have a mother, but numerous bad and absent fathers. This is a father who's severe, tyrannical, controlling, bad tempered and devastating in his actions. No woman would have imagined to create such a tyrannical system or at least not at the time when patriarchy was believed to be necessary.

As a consequence, women were removed from any decision making. The absence of a nurturing mother who's free to educate her child -humanity- with the more feminine elements, such as love, kindness, patience or creativity created a race of individuals feeling incomplete and unworthy, and a number of paradoxes. Self-confidence, -which has been substituted by assertiveness- is one of the qualities of the divine masculine, a trait that men rarely embody, as we've not been given, neither the tools, nor the teachings to know it or recognise it. 

At the time, women stepped aside, -it must be said that forcibly- to become the servants of angry men who became somehow dehumanised by separating themselves from all things emotional. One of the reasons for such anger is man's inability to access feelings or emotions fully. Being deprived of feelings and emotions, men can no longer recognise their true essence, nor identify a true purpose in life. We might know that there's more to life than what we experience or that we're capable of doing better, but lack the tools that would allow it. 

It's not that men are not emotional. We are. It's the inability to recognise and fully feel those emotions.

During childhood, men are told to be confident and in control,  but never taught how. This is, of course due to the fact that the men and society reinforcing this belief don't know how to be it either. Asking children to grow to be something we're not, might be humanity's try for help. One way to create the illusion of control is the emotional death sentence that 'boys don't cry'. Crying is a human being's natural way to release unwanted and unnecessary emotional energy, which means that by not doing so, energies are restored within the body, creating layers and layers of energetic films, creating a negative attachment to damaging memories. 

The false belief that boys don't cry has become a living entity of its own, and it's unavoidable in a boy's experience. Whether it comes from family, friends or the environment, he will feel pressurised to train himself to neither feel, nor to express emotions. From sadness to joy, all emotions will be then repressed, creating a separation from the feminine and mother. This is bound to create an array of misunderstandings with grave consequences. 

The fall of men is the separation from heart and spirit.

With women excluded from all important decisions, they somehow complied, either willingly, in order to stop their children from being harmed, or by coercion. During this long period of silence, women held on to the most sacred, nurturing within and among themselves the keys to the divine, which would allow a more humane society that serves the needs of everyone. 

It's not a secret that women mature earlier. Women have somehow become providers of all things intangible and what's lacking in today's society. It's an invisible glue, that men in our ignorance insist in dissolving not really knowing why or for what purpose. In the case of men, the lack of emotional maturity leads a man to seek in their partners, not only a lover, but an understanding and nurturing mother, while in reality, what we want is a friend

Patriarchy's fierce division of gender has also assigned universal qualities to either male or female; qualities that to which we must now return and learn in order to become better people. Such learning is in principle fairly easy, becoming easier, as we recognise and then identify with kindness, love or empathy, seeing the benefits that brings into the experience of everyone.   

The child within appears during the first stage of the relationship. It can be appreciated in the lively energy, spontaneity or creativity. While this is a wonderful period in the relationship, there´s also a risk that the childish attitude remains throughout, and what was funny or charming once, might become repetitive or annoying, as the in-love phase ends. It's also possible that the neurotic part of the inner child comes to life once the relationship is not all play and love, and as the dynamics don't follow the desired state of love, it provokes negative reactions. The neurotic child reacts when everything doesn't go their way.

The lack of emotional maturity in men plays an important part in the process, being unable to deal with the mundane of daily life, as society's demands require to be met. This phase would be the equivalent to the fall from grace or coming out of the womb, when in a way the child is being left to provide for their own emotional needs, as the mother is no longer all embracing. Although subtle, it could cause feelings of abandonment and rejection, or both, which might be triggered the moment the honeymoon period is over and the lover is not always there. The emotional turmoil can be paralysing, and as this man might not be equipped to process his emotions, another set of emotional reactions come into play. In order to seek the lover's attention, they become needy, constantly demanding love and attention. At this point, the man becomes codependent, seeking the comfort that satisfies the child within, even if what's requested from their partner might be sexual pleasure. The fact that a man may request something that in appearance appeases the adult, makes it more difficult to recognise the child running the show with his needs.

It's important to recognise the feeling, so as to be able to process it and overcome it. There will be lack of self-confidence and the realisation that they're not in control, as feelings and emotions become overwhelming. An essential step forward would be a conversation that allows to explore intimacy by expressing vulnerability. Vulnerability within the couple builds intimacy, allowing to further get to know each other, as well as the self, and setting a new array of emotions leading to a sense of knowing. The problem might be the individual doesn't allow himself to be vulnerable, as the general belief is that of weakness and losing control. 

Unfortunately, the root of these traumas are not easy to see, as it happens at an age in which we do not hold on to memories as we identify them in later years. The answers tend to be easier in practice, provide the individual is willing to challenge and change their set of beliefs. The difficulty lies in the emotion storm that might follow, and in processing such emotions without resorting to the usual coping mechanism, which does not help the individual either. 

Seduced by the false belief that boys don't cry, nor show emotions, children run away from the love of their mothers at an age in which they're still needing emotional and nurturing support. It's the child that closes the door to love, nor the mother, therefore it's not surprising that as an adult, the man unconsciously seeks that love he can identify himself with. 

Women got and keep getting the worst part of the deal, -to put it mildly-, but it's not only them who suffered the dreadful consequences with the birth of patriarchy; men do suffer too, we just like to think that we're not affected by it; that we're in control while we're not. It had to come to the point in which feminism has entered what it's called the fourth wave, for men, manhood and what represents, to hit a wall of insecurity in which seems that being a man is close to be synonym of evil, for these beliefs to be challenged, so as to reconsider what being a man really is. It's clear that role of man needs to be redefined, but also acted upon new, healthier ways.

Patriarchy has created a system that moves and functions on invisible forces, hard to recognise with the purpose to create uniformity and obedient workers that perpetuates a weak society that serves the needs of the powerful, whom are at the top of hierarchy. If at some point in your life you felt that you're not important or special enough, within the patriarchal society, you're not. There's no interest in you being or feeling special, which is paradoxical, because important and special is what we all are. 

As the best qualities of masculinity and the feminine are repressed, it's impossible for a man to learn to be, not just a man, but a good person without making all sort of mistakes, often induced by a set of wrong beliefs that places women, children and the rest of the species in a place of servitude, but it should never be an excuse for the atrocities that men keep committing against women, children, the planet and other living creatures. We might not know much or enough, but we do know better. 

A relationship is the perfect platform to grow as a person knowing each other, as well as ourselves intimately. If at any point we feel inclined to turn our partners into mothers or fathers, is due to an emotional lack experienced during childhood. While it might be an issue now, there are healthy and fast solutions as individuals explore intimacy, learning from the loving and nurturing qualities that can be found in such spaces. 

Cutting the cord from a mother requires an process of understanding one's personal development. There are exercises that are recommended to cut the cord with others, but such exercises are futile if there's not an in depth study of our character and personality, having acquired and developed a series of mechanical habits to simply survive in the world. Any exercise requires a emotional shift that creates a new feeling and vision. If it is too mental an exercise, it won't create the change expected. 


I have two openings to take on two more clients in order to assist and resolve processes in personal transformation. There's a more detailed account of the process in services or you can contact me directly:

A related article:

The new man: Embracing the divine masculine.


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