Years ago my friend Grazia was talking to me about the futility of feelings and emotions, referring to as how people react to them, and how through creativity we can expand to get what we want. What we want is what the soul wants and this is a place we can never get to while ego is in control. Ego is never in control, but it a comforting idea and sounds great when we lie to ourselves.
This is what she shared with me: "One of the things I learned from Claudio is that in order to expand we have to use art and creativity. We begin with what we have here and now, where we are, and move towards the universal." This idea that comes from Claudio Naranjo.
Even though I couldn't figure it out at the time, Grazia's words had the sound of truth and that was enough for me. From that moment on I wrote more than 4,000 pages, all handwritten, in a quest of that place where I wanted to be. I knew I wasn't there, and even though writing has given me everything, I always knew there was more. Writing taught me who and what I Am.
A few months later I lit a bonfire with it and burned everything I had written. Before everything turned into flames, every page was offered free to someone who asked for my writing so he could use if he wanted to. The offering came with a warning. "These pages are the destruction of ego. See if you can do anything with them." Of course, he didn't take the offer.
I remember writing already at the age of 3 and by 6 I started writing poetry. I have not stopped since, as through it is how I found most answers even when I didn't know I had a question. One can write with ego or one can be connected to and write with the energy of the Divine Feminine. When ego wrote the stories, even though they were filled with wonderful insights or beautiful language, they were also cold, lacking humanity and touched with a very aggressive energy. I kept trying, but in different ways. What matters is that I disconnected from source. Writing is always there.
As I always felt an incredible urge to find my "voice" through writing, I've always known that what I wrote wasn't it. We always know. Also, I have always been very good at burning and deleting throughout life. One cannot find their voice without going through a long period of trial and error, without ego taking over universal wisdom, where true knowledge lies.
The fact that hundreds of readers wrote to tell me that what I wrote is something they somehow knew, but couldn't express only confirms that we are all connected. Reason for which is important to seek the sources that resonate with us, without dismissing others. It might be that we're not ready to understand someone's experience or story.
There's nothing wrong with using ego to create. Even when we're doing it wrong, we're doing it right. One wrong might take us to one right. Wisdom only comes with experience, however unpleasant it is. When that happens, the realisation is that the voice we were looking for was there all along, and that this voice is the same voice we spoke with as a child, when we are connected to source; when we are in love.
In between, there was a period in which I wrote with the energy of Divine Feminine. It shows in the energy and how the story flows, but ego is a very clever entity -not intelligent- that finds new ways and disguises so as to take over again, leading us to another moment of separation from the soul. We can keep going in and coming out if there's not enough awareness. Falling in love and falling out of love. It is possible to be permanently in love. The answer lies with the child we all have within and that we are all so good at ignoring. There's no worst expression of self-abuse than that we inflict on our inner child.
Meanwhile in unconscious reality, lost souls playing adult go from tantrum to tantrum unable to express emotions, connect to love or even explain their actions.
A year later after that conversation took place I still had to find that universal voice. I listened to Grazia's wisdom, as I listened to the message. Everyone is a messenger when we pay attention. Too often we ignore the signs and what others tell us to help us grow. I was determined to find that voice and reach the universal. How I did it was no longer important.
It was also very important to remove any attempt to reach perfection and celebrate every mistakes.
Over a year ago another friend suggested that I wrote a blog. Not only that, she put it together for me and this is how I began sharing. It was the day I wrote my first blog post that I realised that I had already found that voice long ago and had been using it publicly. Committing to it was what helped me to see it. I had been wanting to connect to this source for years and follow its dictate to write, something that I had since I remember. Something we all have when we allow ourselves to listen.
All I had to do in order to move towards and reach the universal was let go of the idea of writing fiction, be the best writer ever, writing 'The Best American Novel', -especially not being American, and create material that helped others to remember who we are. Once competition was removed, I had no competition. My voice is your voice. Your voice is my voice. Universal wisdom has billions of voices in human form, but is only one; different expressions in search of love.
It is my personal experience, talent and how I apply this knowledge that gives it form, but there's no longer sense of possession, as in intellectual property, because love cannot be owned, only felt, lived, given, accepted or danced. Humanity does not yet seem to see, nor appreciate the unique beauty of every individual.
Take my friend Sarah as another example. Sarah sings in public for the love of music and singing only. When she sings she's free, transcends humanity and limitations, for the soul has none. Listen to her music, fall in love with the soothing, calming voice, break your heart at the sounds of home, the nostalgia of something you remember, but which is not quite here yet. The fact that you do remember is the reason why it is so moving.
Sarah sings away the beauty of her soul, to let others know that she's here; to remind others that the soul is here and very alive. Some listen, some don't. Everyone is touched even if they don't know it. Some even hear and feel it. Listen to her and see how she defeats the classic figure of the passive Muse. As she writes, composes and sings her owns songs she is the living, Thinking Muse. An Artist with a unique sound and expression of universality.
There's no ego because this part of her never separated from her soul and each song carries the vibration, wisdom and beauty of the Goddess.
Listen to her music and fall in love, then let go, let go of her, of possession, of the humanity and limitations you have been led to believe, and until you get there, keep breaking your heart, die every night and live your own rebirth with each new dawn. Fall in love, then let go and see how your life changes, how your soul and my soul and Sarah's soul speak with the same voice.
This is her voice calling you to come home, to listen and see the soul and to recognise each other. When you listen to the music know that ego is also listening, and that ego will hear the chants of the Mermaid, the accent of the sensual enchantress and while you fall for it and remain narcotised by another dream of being human you will never return to Ithaca.
But remember, the Mermaid only appears because that is what we want to hear. She is only real because we want her to be real. Listen instead to the voice and sounds of the healer she is. The message lies in the energy, the intention, the vibration.
Fall in love now. Then let go. Listen with your heart. Feel the nostalgia, follow it through until you remember home. And fall in love again, to realise that love is all you are. Find your art, follow it, break your own heart, cry inconsolably and keep falling in love.
Write your song and sing it out loud. The world wants and needs to hear it. And when we hear it, we will all remember that we are already home; that there is nothing, but here and now; that love is all there is.
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Photo: Sarah Clayton