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Love Is Not a Plan B.


People begin romantic relationships for numerous reasons. Often, such reasons have nothing to do with love or with falling in love. There's no spark, no substance to it. Sometimes the emotion that urges someone to commit is loneliness. Some others are attracted by safety, while there are those that having lost belief in meeting the right person, they choose to settle for someone else that they would have never chosen in the first place. Despair, sadness or having experienced rejection from someone they truly love take people to relationships that could be considered of convenience. It's convenient to be with someone, rather than being alone. At the beginning, even lust may be considered a good reason, even though it has nothing to do with love. There are more reasons than the ones already mentioned, such as low self-esteem or physical appearance.

Everyone is deserving of love. There are of course people that with their actions and choice of life style make love or relationships an impossibility. This article is not about them. Too often the actions of people are affected by negative experiences of the past, leading them through loveless behaviour to a loveless life, making it almost impossible to either love or be loved. Fear of love is expressed in many ways. It's easier to be feared, than to allow ourselves to love. It's also a defense mechanism so as not to be hurt. Everyone wants to be loved. Whether we know how to ask for love, or we're ready to receive it, it's a different matter. 

Unrequited love can be one of the greatest disappointments in someone's life. There might have been a relationship or not. It is human condition to cry more for our defeats than to celebrate our victories. Somehow, when love is not mutual the imprint that the experience leaves in someone's being is enough to set a new belief: that they don't deserve love or they can't get what they want. Nothing farther from the truth. 

A negative love experience most certainly opens a wound. It is up to each individual to heal it with love, or to feed it with a loveless life. What we call falling in love is nothing but an energy that everyone holds within and that reemerges and flows abundantly in the company of someone else. This energy is always there. It's who we are. What prevents a person from living in a constant state of being in love is the infamous, as well as erroneous belief that we need someone else to be complete. However magic and wonderful the experience of being in love with another may be, one can reach that point on their own. 

Love is and always should be a plan A. The world is full of wonderful people ready to be loved, people who are compatible with you and that could be even a better match than the lover who left or the one that never got to love us. One disappointment does neither condition, nor writes the fate of one's love life. There's always love after love. It's always there. Sometimes not beginning or ending a relationship could be more a blessing than not. For as long as you're alive, there's always another day to live, another romance to experience, another spark waiting ahead to set the house on fire. 

Attachment to another person has more to do with ego or pride than with love. You're still the same person, more experienced. It's a good idea to take stock of the relationship to see what your contribution has been. When the attention is focused on the good memories rather than the sense of loss, this exercise can only bring positive aspects of the self, as well as helping to build confidence and self-esteem. 

Being single is the perfect time to take care of yourself and grow, and in patience to cultivate a new you, more attractive and magnetic. Seeking love actively is not just going out on dates and meeting possible suitors, it's something that we can do every day while we are alone. There are so many wonderful things one can treat themselves to while alone in order to grow through self-love. The time to believe in love is: always. 

Do not settle for plan B. Do not settle for someone you would have not considered in the first instance while your heart was open to someone else. Love is not a consolation prize, and neither are people. It might keep us contented and good company for a period of time, but it would never be enough while still having someone else in mind and heart. It also leads to keep looking for love, to find someone better than the current partner. People do hurt as a consequence of such selfish and mindless actions. 

In fact, do not settle for anything other than what you want. Follow your dream with your heart, feel each passionate beat reaching for those things you want.

It could also put someone in a position where having started a relationship with someone might prevent the relationship they desire with someone else they meet along the way. More lost opportunities and possibilities to regret. Thus, life fills with one more "what if!" More ghost to dream of because they were never free at the time they met someone suitable; someone with whom you'll be happy and fulfilled.

Love is patient, and in patience love grows. What we do during this time of patience determines what comes next. There are no substitutes for the lovers that went away. Choose yourself during the periods that you are single. Make yourself a priority. Lead a conscious life. Love will come next. Wait for that man or that woman who lights the spark once again. Love is always in the air. It's only that we might have forgotten to breathe. 

Talk To Her: He Couldn't Talk to a Woman. Now He Can.


Many men struggle when it comes to talking to the woman they're attracted to. Some, in fact struggle to talk to any woman at all. Behind it, there's an undeserving feeling and a belief that tells that their not good enough. Men are not instructed in how to treat with women, nor anything else for that matter. No one teaches us what's truly important. The result is that we find love, relationships or commitment challenging. What would set us free, love, is what we fear most. From an early age, we're told to man up, to toughen up, to remove ourselves from feelings and emotions. That's a "girl's thing!" In turn, the pressure to distance ourselves from our true essence, often brings disastrous consequences that both men and women have to live with maybe for a lifetime. 

Men are expected to lead. But how can one lead when leadership is not taught from an early age? People are taught to fit in, to unconditionally belong to society, no questions asked; to keep our heads down and renounce to the most beautiful parts of being human. 

Separating from emotions creates an abysmal silence that most men use as a shield to protect their inner truth, which is what eventually would create a healthy connection with everyone else, the world, women and the self. 

Men cannot create a true connection with a woman without a deep, emotional element. One gets lost in words. Not truly knowing what to say, we get lost trying explain and over-explain what we don't understand: ourselves, in an attempt to tell others that we're good enough, that we deserve to be loved. Love is not just a feeling, it's a state of being that one only remembers when falling in love. Then words are not necessary, but on the way back to love, we continue explaining, while trying to understand what we are all about. 

I've already written about how men are as emotional as women, only that this is expressed in different ways. Here's the blog post if interested: 'Men And Emotions' 

Meet Nathan.

Nathan is not his real name. When I met Nathan, he was 25 years old. He was completely disconnected from himself. He exhibited low self-esteem and a frustrating lack of confidence in his natural abilities; abilities that he never used. During our first meeting he exposed every single obstacle that he created in his mind over the years in order not to have a relationship. My response was that any man can have any woman he wants -within reason-, anytime; that the secret is a sense of knowing, which lies covered by patterns of behaviour, beliefs and that it becomes a natural state of being by the choices we make. 

It is OK to change our beliefs, especially when new beliefs give us what we most want.

He had no reasons, but excuses.

In his own words, Nathan was overweight, short, not good looking, suffered from low self-esteem and it was obvious that he felt extremely uneasy around women. He kept a good distance from any woman, despite the fact that he was interested in a young girl. He also believed that the only way he could attract the woman of his dreams was by being successful in business. Business and money were his only focus. A means to an end. The problem was that he was neither in business, nor had the money. Thus he created another insolvable problem.  

Asking for help.

Everything began to change when he realised that he couldn't achieve what he wanted by himself and asked for help. It's a hard step to take. Men don't like asking for help, as we don't like to ask for directions. We live under an obstinate spell trying to project an image that we're in control. We're not. It was not an easy step to take. At no point I offered any help, nor introduced him to my coaching services. It was his choice to ask. More often than not, we need help to get what we want when we don't know how to get there. Help is always available, but one needs to ask.

Changing perspectives

I use Gestalt techniques -energy- and psychodrama when working with clients either face to face or online to recreate an experience that shows where the person is at the time. Such experiences reveal the beliefs and perspectives that one has on their current reality. When one beliefs that something is impossible, it does indeed becomes impossible. At the first opportunity Nathan had to talk to women face to face he jumped against the wall, as if he was trying to hide in it. Two minutes earlier he bragged about getting the same girls that were present in the place where we both were. 

These experiences are incredibly powerful, as the energy created is conducive for feelings and emotions, but also are eye openers to different possibilities. There were also numerous conversations during our interactions. Once the problem is identified it's easy to focus on the solution and work on it. Focusing on the problem or the beliefs he held are counter-productive. The mind is a master in creating problems. 

The heart is a master in finding solutions. 

Obsession and patience.

From the moment he signed to work with me he obsessed with reaching results immediately. It's not how it works. One needs to be patient in order to see the problem, accept their limitations while moving towards the solution. He was not. 

Talking and treating with women is much easier than what most men believe when it comes from a place of knowing. Knowing is an energy that every man holds within. No exceptions here. It's also a feeling, reason for which blocking emotions for a man is counter productive. 

Nathan's urgency prompted him to fixate on a co-worker, an older woman he claimed to have feelings for. He had misinterpreted her friendliness and took it as interest. It was clear that there were no loving feelings. He just wanted to 'close the deal' immediately and find sexual gratification, so as to prove to himself that he could do it. Knowing this I helped him to set a date, making sure that it took place in a safe space. One of the wonderful aspects of Gestalt techniques is that it doesn't allow to cause any harm to anyone. 

After two weeks of texting backwards and forward he desisted, realising and later on admitting that he only wanted to take advantage of this woman. Nothing else. Not reaching his 'target' he was truly disappointed, despite the fact that I told him that getting a woman by deception is not something I teach. My work doesn't allow room for casualties. This is how trying to deceive others becomes self-deception. 

However calculated his intentions were, during this period he was exposed to his own emotions, revealing where he may have gone wrong, and how his beliefs remained obstacles to what he wanted, it was a positive experience. He managed not only to talk to a woman, but to set a date. Nathan was given ample space and time to identify whether his actions were right or wrong. He was the judge of his own behaviour. 

Co-dependence. 

In order to teach Nathan how to connect with the sense of knowing, I had to show him through experience. Wherever we went, there was always a woman 'interested'. As he could see this, he repeatedly asked me how I managed to attract these women. The answer to this was: nothing. I don't do anything. I know. It's a feeling; an energy that's not threatening to women, nor anyone else. 

Despite the fact that on every occasion attraction took place I always walked away from the situation. At seeing this, he created a new intention and a new belief. This was that by being near me, he would get to choose among one of those women, as if they were objects that I owned. It was no longer about meeting the right woman. Any woman would do. The truth is, I wanted no one. None of those women were intended for me. Attracting a woman while working with someone would have been a betrayal to the principles I base this work on, as well as being highly unprofessional. The objective of such 'attractions' were to show Nathan that in order to attract a woman, no tricks were necessary; that a man doesn't have to jump in to the first opportunity that's presented. 

The fact that we can do something doesn't mean that we have to. 

In order to get what we want, often we have to say no to what we don't want. 

Heaven and Hell.

More often than not, personal beliefs stop us from getting what we want. Not only Nathan had fallen captive of a cultural belief of hell, he had created a reality that day after day manifested a reality of hell. How this belief transformed during the course of one evening is written here: 'The magical healing power of music.'

Authenticity.

Over a period of weeks, his beliefs as well as his self-esteem changed. Nathan grew in confidence. He no longer feared approaching women, although the impossibility to interest a woman still lived with him. 

The one mistake he was making now was that whenever he approached a woman, he used the same words and terms that I talked about. Nothing wrong with this, except for the fact that if it's not spoken from the heart, there's not a feeling to transform a belief. At this stage he had hit another wall: lack of authenticity. 

Lack of authenticity is the reason why trying to learn tricks in order to 'seduce' women doesn't work. If it doesn't come from the heart, one might be able to manipulate someone else or a situation in order to satisfy a momentary need, but it never reaches someone's heart. It's pointless. 

Knowing.

The experience of heaven and hell helped Nathan to open his heart and see multiple possibilities by holding on to an authentic feeling. From then on, teaching him different energies proved to be much easier. After three months of intensive work, the miracle happened. Not only he had lost the fear to talk to a woman, now there was a woman interested in him. My job was done, but there was still a conversation pending. 

I reminded him of the first conversation we had months earlier, all the obstacles he talked about, his beliefs. He had not changed physically. He was still overweight, "short" as he described himself, broke and every other excuse he had created for himself. But his perception and beliefs had changed. What he wanted was now possible.

Now he was living with the feeling of knowing, realising that he didn't have to do anything. Just being. No longer there was a need to trick anyone. He 'knew'. 

When our work together concluded, I left Nathan with these words: "Now you know. Use it well." Throughout this process, he had learned the benefits of good intentions, as he had experienced the consequences of following a hidden agenda. The choices were open and only for him to decide which direction to take. 

Talk to Her.

Talk to her is both, a personalised program, leading any man regardless of their circumstances, to a sense of knowing, so as to be able to approach women in a healthy and confident manner, as well as a book in progress. This service that was limited to face to face meetings is now available online. 

Despite the fact that for over twenty years I've been encouraged to offer this service to a wider audience, I've always been reticent to meet a demand that encourages deception as a means to an end. Trying to trick someone into a relationship or merely sex, is just another form of self-deception, a way to reinforce the belief that one is not enough, therefore one feels inclined to control and deceive. Tricks or deception are both byproducts of fear. It might offer temporary 'success', but it's also the first step to the end of any relationship. 

It's an empowering process that helps to reconnect to who and what he truly is. Knowing is a powerful state that helps to increases confidence, as well as serving to deal with numerous situations on a daily day basis. The ultimate goal is love; to reawakened the magnet within.

It will also be available in seminars and webinars within months. 

As the world is embracing a shift in consciousness, the solutions to our problems go through healthy and conscious choices that anyone can meet. The secret is in the choices we make. 

A similar program on dating, relationships and intimacy in order to create more conscious relationships is also available for women either through Skype sessions or face to face, as well as a number of upcoming seminars and webinars.

For more information email: manelblanco14@gmail.com

Related articles: 'The High Cost of an Unfeeling Life.'

Getting Women With Mind Control.


Mind Control is a pseudo-science which claims that the thought process in others can be controlled with psychological techniques. It's supposed to introduce new or unwanted thoughts in the mind of people. In other words, it's re-education with an ulterior motive behind and for someone's own personal benefit. For the last two days I had been working on a blog post, which coincidentally treats a similar subject: how a man can find or attract a woman, and the steps men can take in order to do so. My approach, however, it's as effective as it is healthy, as well as non-manipulative, for both men and women. However, as mind control as a way to get women was brought to my attention by readers, I decided to take on this one first. 

In my previous blog entry: 'All men are the same', I wrote how men as a collective have gained the way women perceive us, however different one might be from the other. Women need us. They want us. They love us. They fear us. Not the best stage, nor feeling to approach postures in order to find a common ground from which we can create healthier relationships. 

If you have not read the blog post mentioned above, 'All men are the same' is not a blog against men, nor masculinity, but an informative and encouraging one to change perspectives and direction as a collective.

When a man meets woman there's a important factor that all men have to consider. Most women already had some type of negative experience with men. It doesn't necessarily have to be in a relationship per se, as it is as simple as the impact that a family member, being a father, grandfather or close relative had in their development. When the negative portrait of men comes as a direct result of a relationship, what a man has to consider is that even though he enters a new relationship with the impression of coming with a clean sheet, we have to move through all the emotional debris left behind by another man. This woman might already be responding to triggers and created boundaries that may be impossible for him to overcome. 

Triggers and boundaries go and live deep, often causing mayhem in relationships, for which reason a different blog entry would be more appropriate to explore the subject.

A man's good behaviour or intentions alone may not be enough to overcome the damage created by another man. Often this issue can be represented subtly, and neither of the partners may be aware or able to recognise it. 

It's often the case that relationships do not have the appropriate closure, leaving previous relationships open in terms of energy. Now you're in competition with an old boyfriend, ex-husband or worse; a mindless lover. At this stage is easy to believe that one is a hero or saviour; that we're going to make this woman feel safe. 

Women don't need to be saved. They want to be loved, feel wanted. This is safe.

The point is that this woman has been manipulated in one way or the other. Whether this is trained mind control or not, the consequences are something we all have to live with. It only makes relationships more difficult, if not impossible. When a man is in a relationship, having to face unexpected reactions that do not make sense and may be out of proportion, that woman might not be reacting to him, but to a previous lover.

Everyone leaves an imprint in their lovers. The questions are, what mark we want to leave behind and how we want to be remembered.

As children we grow up with the idea that once we reach adulthood we're going to lead a perfect life. We've already seen all the mistakes adults make and move forward with the conviction that we'll do better. It's possible to make it better, and many people achieve to break with family patterns. One of the purposes we have in life is to break with the negative traits in behaviour, beliefs and habits that don't serve anyone. To break with the tyranny of patriarchy, which equally damages both, men and women, is the purpose of the collective. Patriarchy survives due to mind control.

The idea of perfect is what moves individuals to try and control everything. Even though we've never been in a relationship, we already have mapped out how it works, how perfect is going to be, not considering that a relationship is formed by two people or that the other person also has their idea of perfection. 

Mind control is the inner child trying to control everything. 

Mind control is what the Nazis did to Germany and the German people. We all know how that ended. 

Mind control is what pedophiles do to children to keep them in shame and silence, so as to continue abusing them. 

Mind control is admission that we're not enough and we need an instrument of power to dominate others. 

Mind control is coercive. 

Mind control is abuse.

Mind control is the way of the coward.

Mind control is fear of being authentic. 

Mind control is what politicians and media inflict on the general population. 

Mind control is how religion manipulated people with fear for centuries. 

Mind control is what the banking elites are making everyone believe, in order to make us think that live in a world of lack and scarcity. 

Mind control is the same manipulation from which we've been trying to escape since childhood. 

Mind control speaks of low self-esteem, of someone who doesn't believe he can get what he wants with his natural abilities.

There are numerous and different forms and expressions of mind control.  

It's unfortunate to see that in order to make a quick buck some men are teaching or at least trying to teach mind control to other men. It's even more unfortunate that there are men biting the bait and paying for such services trying to learn manipulative techniques in order to get what they want from women or anyone else. This is also a sign that they've been already mind controlled. Oh, the irony!

Let's say that these mind control techniques work and that one learns to control and manipulate women in order to get what they want, usually a quick fix. It might get a man what he wants for a while, until he realises that this is not what he wants, although it might take him a time to reach that conclusion. It's not the way to reach self-realisation or to find out who we really are. What we do, the behaviour and beliefs we feed and embrace is who we are and what we become. 

What we do to others, we do to ourselves. How we treat others, define who we really are.

Picture this: A man uses mind control techniques to manipulate a woman. As this woman is facing both, an external and internal struggle to act in ways that probably contradict the true essence of who she is, she's not only divided; she becomes as shadow of who she really is. The man gets the package, but not the heart. She might go along with it for a period of time. Eventually this woman will want to escape from the emotional and energetic prison where a man put her. And she will. 

The truth is that one can manipulate and control another for a while, but everyone is strong enough to resist and rebel against the tyranny of an oppressor. Love is freedom, which is the opposite of what mind control produces. 

We can't control anything. Once we are in peace with this fact, life becomes much simpler. 

Everything in life is a paradox. Many of these paradoxes come charged with a great amount of irony. While trying to control others, we also put a halt on our personal development, renouncing to explore the amazing qualities that every human being is born with, as well as the incredible possibilities for growth and to create a wonderful reality. 

If you want to connect with women to get want you want, offer them love and freedom. Those are the two of most powerful magnets, as it allows for a space where women can express the best of what and who they are. 

Mind control lacks empathy, kindness, love, honesty, trust or care; all the good human qualities, which might illustrate what a man's intention may be. This is certainly not the portrait of a man, but the obvious underdeveloped traits of  a boy; the inner child running on a tantrum, seeking revenge against women.

If a man truly wants to make a connection with women, so as to get what he wants, the steps to follow are those that embrace masculinity or the divine masculine. Perhaps it seems a harder road at first, but once developed and absorbed, connections with women, with the self and the world become much easier. 

There are amazing traits in masculinity, which men are overlooking, while we're still trying to get a quick fix to our frustrations, instead of looking in the mirror and face our own demons. Controlling others is just another way to escape from responsibility. Only that this time, with mind control, it's not only the man who suffers the consequences. We do also harm others.

The danger in trying to apply mind control is that once the individual realises that they can't control anyone as they imagined, and that even if they did, it wouldn't be for too long, he grows in frustration and anger. There might be a rapist in the making. Life is in the choices we make. What a waste of imagination and creativity.
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All Men Are The Same.



"All men are the same" is a statement voiced too often. These are words usually come after feelings of rejection and abandonment. It would be easy, even opportunistic to reply with the same old adagio that we´re not all the same, that some or many men do care, treat women with love, respect and a long string of convenient rhetoric. Such statement is also an opportunity to tackle the issue of how women may or may not be treating men in relationshipsThere´s a difference between opportunity and being opportunistic. One has to recognise and know the difference, then act accordingly. 

That every man is unique, different to every other man is not a secret to anyone. However, within the diversity in men, there's an element of uniformity that makes the previous statement a relative truth. Any man that knows his value and appreciates their uniqueness, won´t enter the comparison, nor react to such words. 

The fact that so many women affirm that all men are the same is not merely an expression after a frustrating experience, but one that has been repeated time and again. It has a deeper meaning. Perhaps it's not the best way to deal with the situation, but it is what we have right now. 

It might be time that men begin to listen and learn not to react, and without explanation of who one is to move outside the comfort zone. Just listen. There´s no need to explain ourselves. These words are a general feeling, the expression of an emotion. If men don´t want listen to it, it´s because we´re terrified of emotions we don't understand or might not want to understand; detached from the experience. The common, but not natural response is anger, so as to numb such feelings and emotions. 

It's also true that if a man has not participated in such experience they want to remove themselves from such reality, and not to respond to the call. It's also true that "all men are the same" is the voice of one of the oppressive energies of patriarchy.

Men are as emotional as women, but it's expressed in a different way. The reason why this is not recognised is that we seem to have taken monopoly over anger, as if of a birth right, discarding all other emotions. If we don´t listen to the collective is because we know there´s truth in such statement. Truth and responsibility are steps closer to intimacy, an abstract we´re terrified of, and one we don´t yet fully understand as a gender. When intimacy is reduced to the momentary pleasure, the instant gratification of the male genitalia by any means possible, we´re missing the connection with the deeper and greatest part of our own being. Without it, no man can create a deeper connection to another, nor expect to have a healthy relationship with a woman.

Anger is a defense mechanism. One that stops men from growing, perpetuating the tantrum of the inner child. 

The problem of uniformity.

However different one man is from another, we still move within the parameters imposed by patriarchy. The feelings and beliefs that society holds on women are deeply ingrained in the collective psyche. Misogyny is a real force, a belief that many men wouldn't recognise or won´t admit to hold in their belief's system. It's not easy to see where we might be going wrong. A woman is not only the object of affection, but possession. 

Patriarchy affects both men and women in different ways. Men are not free from its powerful grasp either, even though it is reflected in multiple ways wherever we are.

Misogyny, as well as patriarchy are energies that move powerfully through society with devastating effects. This is represented in several ways, but one in particular, seeing women as lesser beings, as a commodity to satisfy immediate needs, as someone who makes us look good in front of friends, family and peers. 

Peer pressure to act manly or cool in front of others slowly influences the development of a child and the person he´s to become. By acting in such uniformed ways, one loses authenticy, and you, a child that was born in love, with amazing gifts and an incredible potential become an obedient part of a system that suppresses the good qualities of any individual because we still follow the preaching of ´sacred´ scriptures and accept that women are a group destined to servitude. This is a convenient truth that doesn't help anyone.

One cannot be authentic while continue behaving within the established parameters of what a man is supposed to be or how to act. Without authenticity, you will never be able to show the world who you really are. While the steps to change and development into who you really are might not seem easy, with a bit of awareness and dedication this is possible sooner than you may think. 

How it affects men in relationships with women.

Men as a collective have earned the view women have of us, if not personally, by association or gender. Unfortunately there´s a large percentage of men who use and abuse opportunities, their position, relationship status, personal qualities and a woman´s feelings to feed selfish needs for a while, having no intention to stay in the relationship or to create a space between man and woman which they see and treat as sacred. History is written with countless crimes against women. What we do to others, we do to ourselves.

It's disheartening to meet a woman; to hear that "I has not been raped, but"  ... the silence that follows this sentence is filled with fear and desperation, knowing that this is a real possibility that's lurks around every corner. Without explaining, this sentence also tells of how she's been coerced in one way or another into sex. 

Every experience that a person goes through creates a memory, which is stored in body and mind. If the experience that a woman has with a man is negative, the memory will continue to be negative. Many men are currently paying the consequences for the actions of men in a woman's past. A bad experience creates a trigger. Triggers are followed by negative reactions. As a man, you might have never caused any harm to your partner, but you're facing the consequences of episodes in the past relationships. 

When a woman feels triggered, the man is automatically rejected, and as he feels rejected, he's also triggered, reacting accordingly and creating separation; followed by feelings of abandonment that if unexplored may cause further negative episodes. Trust is negatively affected, and if not dealt with appropriately, it could be beginning the end of the relationship. It's not that she doesn't trust you. She has learned not to trust men in general. What both partners need to know and recognise in this case, is that nothing of what's happening has anything to do with them. The initial trigger could be as simple as a loving word or the most gentle touch. It doesn´t necessarily have to be another negative experience. 

A man and a woman could be in love, experiencing the most romantic moment in their relationship and still be triggered by a past memories. A woman doesn´t have to go through the worst experience -violent or abusive- with a man. It´s possible that she´s triggered by a memory created in childhood. It´s as simple as grandfather touching his granddaughter´s face in a loving, but unwanted manner twenty years ago. What for a grandfather could be an act of love, it could be an invasive act for the child. 

The end of the affair.

The end of a relationship usually leaves a sour feeling, especially when it´s the partner´s choice. Whatever reasons they may have are irrelevant. What remains is the sudden feeling of abandonment; the sense that we´re no longer important to someone with whom we probably wanted to spend the rest of their lives with. The feeling of rejection deepens in the wound as an ex-partner moves on and begins a new relationship when one is still mourning the loss. New feelings emerge, resentment, anger, even hate. Now we definitely feel unimportant and rejected, more so when any opportunity of reconciliation vanishes the moment they're with someone else. They want to be in a relationship with someone, but not with us.

Such reaction is not surprising. Intimacy, love, happiness and friendship to name a few are removed from our lives within seconds.

These emotions could also be triggered by a brief affair. The relationship doesn't need to go deeper than a couple of nights together. There´s a lot to say on this subject, and there are healthy solutions to these common problems. However, it's too extensive a topic to treat it in one blog post, and it does take inner work. Work that many people are not willing to take on or don't know how or where to begin.

Uniqueness and integrity as the solution.

Appreciating our uniqueness is no longer enough in a world with hardly any values left, where many people take no accountability for their actions. We have to act on it, set a new imprint and move towards a healthier reality. A world that functions on the energy of immediate gratification is dysfunctional, as pleasure, love or happiness always come from external sources. Men have to step up, use their gift and make a difference. The actions of one man reflect on every other man, even though logic says that a woman should learn to differentiate between one man and the rest. 

There are many men out there who are not the same. Conscious men that do not enter this comparison. Everyone has a responsibility towards others. How we treat others define who we are. As the world is moving towards a more conscious reality, men who have chosen to lead a more conscious life must be the precursors of a new education. 

It's not necessary to spell it out. If you've been present in a bar conversation with other men, you will know what this is about. How many of those 'friends' would you trust to leave alone with your wife, girlfriend or daughter? 

There are wonderful aspects about masculinity that men could easily embrace, which in turn would make a difference, but we're still too preoccupied or reacting to the general view that women have of us. Women need men, as much as men need women, but not at any price. This works both ways. We all want more, deserve more. Everyone wants to love and be loved.

Reaction does not make a difference. The silent response of our actions does.

It might also be time for everyone to realise, both men and women, that we have to take responsibility, to begin to build the house from its foundations. Any man is a role model. What role model we decide to become is a personal choice. Taking responsibility comes with the realisation that the established system is never going to provide the type of education that teaches men and women to be a better person. 

An education that has been appropriate from childhood would not require people to seek to become a better person at a later stage in life, as high values would be already an intrinsic part in someone's belief system. The problem is that we're trained to be functional to provide for the needs of a patriarchal and capitalist system, not to be a person. 

To become a better person we learn with experience, making mistakes. No matter how many mistakes you might have made, every day is an opportunity to begin with a clean sheet. Who you were yesterday is not what or who you are today. If we continue behaving in the same way is because we choose to, not because we have to.

We are already born a better person. What happens between then and now has a lot to do with education and the basis of fear in which society continues functioning. A society in which no one is good enough. Everyone is good enough from the moment of birth. Sadly, we're educated to separate from who we truly are, acting accordingly until we learn better.

As men, it's our responsibility to the a proactive participant in a new education process, to share our knowledge and values with everyone. Every moment is an opportunity to impart such knowledge. Knowledge is only power when shared. The new education doesn't go through a classroom, but in the every day life. It's not about preaching, but leading by example, to identify and share the benefits of a healthier approach to relationships and how to treat and communicate with women, ourselves and the world.

It's clear that the current model has been obsolete for centuries. Every day is an opportunity to initiate change, one that benefits everyone involved in the situation. As someone considers a shift in attitude, those feelings and actions are not about becoming the hero that saves Damsel in distress, but to be a decent person. Not a man, nor a woman, but a person. 

The actions of a person can have a positive effect in the lives of thousands, so as to provide the basis of a world where love is possible. In the end, all comes to love. How we interact with the world determines the kind of love we give and receive, whether one is afraid of love or willing to risk it all for it; or if and when we lead a life in which love flows abundantly for every one. 

If the actions of one person can reflect on thousands, even millions, imagine what an effect the positive actions of many would have. You may never see or perceive such effects directly and you may never receive feedback or praise for who you are or what a positive impact you have in the world. Not everything is instant gratification. Instant gratification is another lie we've been sold and one which we buy on a daily basis. We have to learn to live with this fact of not knowing our impact in the world and the fact that the rewards will return in different ways from numerous sources. It's the law of cause and effect. 

There are solutions to every problem in relationships when both partners are willing to work on their issues. However, the perception from personal experience is that most people wait until the end of a relationship to take action, when nothing can be done to solve it. It's possible to foresee and tackle all issues as soon as they appear, to not allow it to deteriorate. If this is your case, feel free to contact me directly here, so as to identify the solutions that are already within you. It's possible to improve the world regardless of what you've been told. The change begins with the self, then, everything else begins to fall into place.

The amount of healthy and conscious men in the world is large, as well as increasing in numbers. Let's change the narrative, both men and women and see that there's much more to love than what one has experienced so far. A bad relationship does not define every woman, nor every man. 

It's not the all men are the same, but the view we have of others. There are many wonderful men listening to this desperate call, responding with a beautiful silence and who are engaged in amazing personal and collective projects to create change. They won't respond to the "all men are the same" call, nor will  you meet them while the vision puts us in the same box. We see what we want to see, we hear what we want to hear. Changing the narrative changes everything. No woman will meet this type of man, while believing we're all the same. 

Conscious men don't go where they're nor valued, nor have they any need to prove their worth to anyone. The intention to shift perceptions is there, the need to be recognised by their actions might not.

These men consciously work on themselves. They don't run away from relationships, nor are afraid of commitment. This kind of man lies within every man, and any woman has the power and ability to bring him to life. 

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The Narcissist: Sleeping With The Enemy.



There are numerous publications on the figure of the narcissist. However varied such literature might be, it´s mainly focused on how to recognise it, the development of the imbalanced relationship, the consequences and the final and fatal outcome. Fatal would be an excessive adjective to describe this type of relationship if it wasn´t because a little part of us dies during the process. According to all texts that I´ve come across, there´s no future, neither for the narcissist, nor with them. There´s always a solution to everything. 

It´s essential to realise that the figure of the narcissist is one not to be idealised. As important as not to bash them either. They do a good job themselves romanticising their life, their pain and their own persona. Criticising them or pointing out their flaws or intentions is just another way of perpetuating the myth; of validating them. What we give our attention to keeps the energy of the situation flowing. 

It´s also important to remember that everyone has narcissistic features, that we all seek validation in one way or another. While seeking external validation is a natural step in the process of life and one habit that brings immediate gratification, it´s also a way to meet with disappointment time and again. This world is designed to project rejection wherever we are or whatever interaction we have with others. 

Breathe! It doesn´t mean that everyone is a narcissist. There´s nothing wrong with seeking external validation until it´s found within.

The narcissist, as everyone else is someone seeking love; to love and be loved. Like everyone else, they´re also deserving of love. How they go about it is a different story. They´re likely to be addicted to love, to be seeking the ideal, perfect partner. The problem is that no one matches their ideal of perfection other than their own. 

A narcissist is a walking paradox. They seek love, while at the same time raising every barrier to love they can think of. This is a person that hurts. They will let you know and you will know about it, because as they hurt, they shamelessly hurt you. It´s also a possibility that they don´t admit to suffering. They´re above all things human! Hurting others is a fact that they are aware of. They simply don´t know how to stop it, nor they feel what others feel. 

Arrogance, hate and vengeance are the vital forces of the narcissist. It´s true that the best way to deal with them is not to deal with them at all. The vision of the world and the conviction in their idiosyncrasies are deeply rooted in character and personality so as to be challenged, hence inducing change. A narcissist lives by a logic that might not make sense to others, but that´s powerful and effective in its eloquent rhetoric. 

While it could be difficult to move them from their strong convictions, it´s not impossible. If there´s someone who wants to learn, improve themselves and change to a better version of themselves, that would be a narcissist. Not everything is lost. There´s a better future and reality for everyone, including the narcissist. 

One undeniable truth is that everyone lives by what we believe to be true. What one has grown to believe as an absolute truth, does not necessarily make it neither true, nor absolute. Narcissist or not, conscious change only occurs when there´s a self-realisation followed by awareness and a new interpretation of truth. Personal beliefs are constantly challenged by external circumstances, but it´s up to every individual to challenge their own and choose a conscious change if this is their decision. The narcissist dismisses any challenging truth.

Eventually what everyone will regret at some point in their lives is that we didn´t accept truths that take us closer to who we really are earlier, not that we might have been wrong. Everyone is wrong about something, and everyone makes mistakes. The sooner we reach inner truth, the freer we will be. Obstinate opposition to truth is nothing but a prison we all wish to escape. 

The image and denunciation of the narcissist on social media has acquired the form a witch hunt. While being aware of the intricacies and consequences in a relationship with a narcissist, so as to being aware of what and who we´re dealing with, pointing fingers at anyone from a position of moral superiority is quite a narcissistic attitude in itself.

A person grows to be a narcissist due to lack of love and constant denial of who and what they truly are. Anything but love thrown at them will only serve to make them stronger in their position. One day humanity will learn that the only way to change is through love and lack of judgement. 

No one changes while being exposed to anger or fear.

A narcissist, like everyone else is a human being. We do this together or not at all. Something else is to continue validating their actions unconditionally in the name of love. If it hurts, it's not love. They could be the most enchanting people; even have a kind and warm heart. They usually are charming and charismatic and know how to get what they want. This knowing makes the narcissist so powerful.  If they don´t get what they want from you, they will get it somewhere else.

The problem lies in the fact that what they need takes a toll on others. The narcissist will take anything they want from anyone by any means possible within reason. They thrive on their selfish sense of entitlement. Most of their actions will follow automatic patterns and habits. Whatever harm comes to others is never they're problem, but someone else's weakness. In many ways it could be argued that their actions are unconscious or follow the only truth they've known so far. However damaging their actions are, like everyone else, they're learning and growing. 

In relationships, a narcissist will approach close enough to create interest. This is how they hook people. Once the interest has been created, they feign ignorance of such fact and would always put it back on you. They will never admit to be that interested in you and if they do, they'd pretend that the feeling is not as strong as yours. This gives them the upper hand, as well as to receive a devoted attention to their persona. Attention that later on they'll pretend not to want nor appreciate either. 

The imbalance in relationships is created, never real. A narcissist like everyone else can fall madly in love with someone else. For a person that doesn't feel that they're good enough -as this is their real problem and the cause of all mayhem they create- being in love with someone else connects them with a vulnerability in which they don't feel safe. Being in love opens a sense of dependency and the abysmal possibility of being abandoned. Jealousy inevitably follows on their part. The answer to this threat is to end the relationship even when they're in love. It's a way of being in control and to make the separation less painful. There are more hearts to break out there. 

The narcissist begins to learn as they grow up, internalising and processing what they learn. Let's not forget that what they seek is love. One can move from relationship to relationship without feeling nor emotion, but eventually that person that reaches deep in their hearts will turn up. Finally someone they truly want to be with and that matches their expectations. One might be confident in their own secluded and safe reality for years, but what no one can ever do is to underestimate people. 

Through love, a narcissist is looking for a exit from their prison. They´re aware of this fact even if they don´t admit it. 

Heartbreak changes the narcissist forever. By leaving a relationship one can convince themselves that there's neither pain, nor emotion. It's a survival instinct, but once love has rendered the heart soft and open before someone else, the narcissist's tools for survival become useless. They might continue hurting the other person, as they hurt themselves. At this point they face a reality they've never experienced before. How to deal with real love. At this stage, their ideal of love is being challenged and even if only for a while, they'll do their best to adjust to a new reality.

Their response to a break up can vary. Pretending that the emotion is not there might work for a while, even for years, but it's also an energy that has been stored in their hearts and bodies and that it's likely to hit them back when least expected. Their arrogance is at once, fuel and their perdition, as people are taken for granted. Not everyone is willing to put up with the shenanigans of a narcissist. 

There are several scenarios in which a narcissist may gain conscience of the consequences of their acts, and with it, a new awareness. They all relate to a sense of loss, whether this is heartbreak or the loss of something valuable to them, the effect is similar. 

What needs to be understood about the narcissist is that this is still a child that hurts. They may Gaslight others, keep them small, dismiss the good in people others until there´s nothing to be liked in them in order to keep themselves safe. Admitting to like a new reality is admitting to love, and that is too vulnerable, for most people, not only a narcissist. 

The way to deal with the narcissist is not to believe any belittling that comes from them and letting them go. This is unfamiliar territory for them, a place in which they´d be forced to think. However difficult this decision can be, one has to consider what´s the need for someone to remain in an unhealthy situation until there´s nothing good left in us. The longer one remains in a relationship with a narcissist, the weaker and needier one becomes. Get out while you have the strength to move on. 

The emotional attachment might make the separation heartbreaking, but for as long as the situation is validated by giving unconditional attention to them, the worst the outcome will be. 

I´ve loved one narcissist or two in my life, and still do, as there was in them a part so authentic, so enchanting and beautiful that made life a wonderful place to be, but as I found self-respect and self-love, I also found the strength to move on. Yes, I left with the question in heart and mind of what could have been of us together, a question that will never be answered in reality. This is an answer that I know it in my heart. I left them with love and a broken heart to think about. I won't deny that leaving hurt so, but I left in the most loving way while we were both still in love. To this day, no one heard me say a bad word about them. Personally, I wish them all the best they can get in life. Now and then. 

What the narcissist doesn't know is that they will continue looking for me and you and he or she in another person and will never find us. They don't know that the sense of loss and separation grows within. Anything, but to look within. 

If you tried and gave your best, don´t be afraid to move on with love. For as long as we continue accepting what we don´t want, we will never get what we want. It´s that simple. 

We live in a narcissistic society that continues to tell everyone that we´re not good enough. A society that is neither kind, nor loving. The emergence of the figure of the narcissist is no wonder, but almost a necessity. It´s not the best way to get what one wants, as it hurts others, but it has to be understood and considered that perhaps this is the only way we know. 

With their actions and way of living, the narcissist is preserving and defending everything that´s good in them. It´s form of self-preservation, self-validation and self-belief. Believe it or not, they´re are one step ahead of the rest in finding love and everything they want. There is a positive to being selfish as long as it doesn´t involve taking anything from others. The hurt they create and spread will be their downfall. What we reap we saw and it always comes back in one way or another. 

Eventually the narcissist will fall to rise once again. With every fall we have an opportunity to rise again to a different and better version of ourselves. How many times we fall is up to everyone. Having the opportunity of humbly waking up to a new reality, a new you is a personal choice. This is when growth takes place. Going back to the same old reality and old ways of behaving after a fall is in itself a selfish act. What does that remain you of?

People, narcissistic or not, respond to love, kindness and a caring and nurturing environment in which they can express themselves freely. Freedom is what they and all of us are looking for. If Narcissus one day decided to withdraw proud to the reflection of his own beauty and disdain everyone who loved him is because perhaps the reality he met was not really love. 

It's important not to take any criticism that comes from a narcissist personally. They will always try and make you believe that it's all your fault; the fact that they're jealous or angry or not feeling loved. Face them with the truth and leave it there. It's important that they hear who and what they're are at that stage in life, so as to create a new awareness that might eventually initiate change in them. If the situation becomes unattainable, leave. In their pride they will find a way to rationalise that they left you at least to the gallery. Deep within they know the truth. 

No matter what. Wish them well and leave with love. 

Personally I know that leaving a relationship is not a healthy step. However, when a relationship has run its course and all that causes is pain, suffering and even despair throughout, if you did your best to accommodate, compromise and work things out, it might be the healthier step you can give towards a better life. Do it with love, forgive the other and forgive yourself. Sometimes leaving is an act of self-love.

Finally, you might want to realise and accept that there's a brighter future for the narcissist, and that you might not be a part in it. 

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