Fear of Intimacy: The Sexual Pleaser.

Fear of intimacy or the lack of, might be difficult to recognise, especially when someone’s intimate life is ruled by sexuality; sex being the most misleading cause, as it creates the illusion of it. Someone can lead an abundant sexual life, but being unaware of the lack of intimacy or their fear of it. It’s one of the leading causes for unfaithfulness, promiscuity and ending relationships. The purpose being, not getting too close to anyone while creating close connections; not reaching the emotional spaces in which someone believes that they might be exposed to pain and hurt.

Fear of intimacy affects everyone differently, although it’s possible to recognise several types of people that fall into specific categories. In the case of the sexual pleaser, it leads individuals to perfect -in their own way- ideal sexual practices for the pleasure of others, and while sex is also satisfactory to them, they’re own satisfaction is not the priority. There's a reason behind it. 

With this in mind, the sexual-pleaser pays special attention to every detail, focusing all their energy in perceiving and reading the responses of their sexual partners according to their level of awareness, in order to provide the ultimate climax. In their hands, their partners would be most satisfied, even if other parts of the relationship fail or are not as satisfactory, which leads to the constant need to create more opportunities to satisfy the urge to prove themselves, more closeness in order to reaffirm this side of their identity.

The intention to please a partner sexually should be a must for everyone, but in this case, it's driven by emotional patterns that affect the pleaser, creating the opposite of what’s intended. Long term, this behavioural pattern could lead to a deep sense of longing and loneliness. In order to accomplish their immediate goals, focusing all their energy and attention on the other person, they deny themselves the necessary openness to receive as much pleasure as they give. This person is a giver, and givers often find it hard to allow themselves to receive. But this is not the main reason that creates this kind of character and personality. It could also cause to resent others, as meeting a matching partner that dedicates as much care and time as they do might be impossible. Partners get used to what they're given, as the giver follows a compulsive need to give.  

There's a deep longing and selfish motivation to receive equally, but the pleaser won't articulate this desire, which in turn becomes a trap to others. As you don't give them, as much as you receive, the pleaser will see you as selfish or not caring enough.

Balance in intimacy provides solutions, but only when giving is a mutual exchange, instead of dangling between polarities. 

The first step to receive is asking. Usually givers don’t know how to ask, nor dare to. Asking doesn't even cross their minds, as giving is all they know. Not asking is a behavioural pattern that can be traced back to childhood and easy to recognise. It’s a living paradox, living in lack or scarcity, while giving abundantly. The imbalance denotes emotional immaturity, even though emotional intelligence could be high in them. However negative it might sound, it's a trait to be treated with compassion, as in this case, it's lack of awareness and emotional connection. It's also a door to incredible experiences. 

If the relationship doesn't provide for both partners to receive, it's highly possible that intimacy is failing. 

The pleaser senses the feelings of others, but it's afraid to deal with their own feelings. Running away is one certain way to avoid one's own feelings and emotions.

The emotional need urges the sexual-pleaser to act in order to being liked by others, for which reason one sexual partner might not be enough. In their minds it’s a gift to others that has to be shared, and as one partner gets too close to the wound, they run away and please others. The capacity to give equals the inability to receive. In time the emotional void is too intense, not finding what they’re really looking for: love.

Relationships don't last long, and it's not because they don't want to. There's an obvious narcissistic trait in this kind of people. Somehow a sense of emotional superiority in regards to intimacy or sexuality, as one of their most acute abilities is to read someone's energies and by following how people respond to stimuli they know what step to take next. In contrast, there's a lack of confidence and security, but also a sense of not deserving enough. 

Pleasing a partner sexually is in itself a wonderful experience. However, the lack of balance impedes the sexual-pleaser to delve into their own intimate experience in which they can learn to receive. As the focus is on the other person, the sexual-pleaser is missing in human touch and the feeling that comes from the patience and stillness in receiving. 

There's a mixture of insecurity, which creates the need of being liked, as well as lack of trust, resulting in avoiding being touched by their partners for as long as it's wanted and necessary. At the same time there's a deep desire of being touched, and being loved by touch. 

It's unfortunate that we live in a world where we don't allow ourselves to receive what  we most desire: love, intimacy, human touch.

Such comfort zone is a rather uncomfortable emotional space, facing an abyss that requires the courage of a leap of faith allowing themselves the pleasure of being touched, to surrender  and explore their own body through the touch of others. While touching and giving, one is in control, receiving requires losing this urge. Trust can only be challenged by allowing, not reacting to it. It does take little to overcome the initial discomfort once we surrender the resistance by allowing. 

One of the problems may be that in finding a partner that matches their expectations and desire, choosing instead someone they feel comfortable distrusting and most certainly they do not wish to be with long term. This choice, -more rational and conscious than one would think- is the perfect excuse to stop themselves from opening up to others, so as to avoid being touched deeply.  

It's the irony in underestimating others. The exploration of intimacy, no matter how casual or superficial one may consider it before it takes place, can surprise most people when they feel touched the moment someone opens their heart and offers their bodies to them. A simple kiss may suffice. Everyone has the ability to touch someone else's heart and soul. All that's needed is to look at someone in the eyes long enough until the resistance to see and being seen is dropped. If people don't love more, don't find more love is because we fear the hurt that might come when allowing loving and being loved. The "one has to kiss many frogs ... " saying is nothing but an excuse to continue choosing partners we don't want to be with, to avoid exploring love and intimacy with someone we really want to be with. 

Kissing frogs is nothing, but an excuse to avoid love and intimacy

There's opportunity, and there's opportunistic. There's a substantial difference between both, and it's not only important to recognise it, but to act accordingly depending on what someone wants from their intimate experience. It's fine to kiss all frogs along the way, as long as we admit to ourselves that frogs is what we want. Kissing frogs is also indicative of lack of confidence and faith in meeting what we want. 

Kissing frogs does help to build confidence, but also creates the illusion that this is all there is, which in turn affects negatively  the confidence and faith in finding what we want. It reinforces a belief. Everything is a paradox. The problem and the solution all in the same place.

Those who boast about their sexual abilities do not fit into this category. The narcissist will always tell you who they are and what they're capable of. Know and see the difference.  

In the self-mythology of the sexual-pleaser there's a self-portrait which speaks of a special being that goes through life gifting and teaching others the art of love. It's a 'teacher' that stays for short periods disappearing once they feel that the lesson has been taught. It's always the same lesson from condescending 'teachers' to willing students that feel abandoned, if not betrayed. They might have enjoyed the generous touch, the gentle presence of the giver, but by taking it all away, the lesson is one of lack, not of love. Irony after irony both learn new steps in the quest of love, but the sexual-pleaser has to recognise that only by allowing themselves being touched they can reach their own heart. 

While sharing their intimate experience with those we do not want to be, the energy that's created and the message that's being sent to the Universe is that anyone can enter that space if only for a while. At the same time it attracts people in desperate need for human touch. Tragically, it prevents those with whom we can create a deep and healthy connection with from entering our energetic space. The problem is not in other people, but in our perception of them.

A life's path is created by the decisions we make here and now. In stillness we find the courage and patience to discern, to choose wisely, recognising that what might be convenient today, might not be what we're looking for, as well as to accept that what we're looking for could be just around the corner, and probably is. More often than not, we don't find that space, being occupied doing things we don't want to do with people we really don't want to be and pleasing them while they keep us company in the waiting for love, not knowing that sometimes love is one decision away. 

One does not wait for love; we wait in love. There are worse things than not being liked. 

The positive part and one to look forward to is that once we allow themselves to receive, our ability to experience pleasure and intimacy can reach heightened states of love and consciousness. Usually it takes place when the pleaser begins to explore different tempos, knowing when to stop and how to delay the giving in order to delve into it together, as it is together, when one looks and treats the other as equals that intimacy begins to flow. 

Changing these perceptions is a process that requires time, as well as several new practices and ways of seeing life, the self and others, but it's possible. 

Finally, when kissing frogs, you're not kissing a frog, you're kissing yourself. Think about that! I kissed many frogs to not only realise that they were not, but that I was being an idiot. The idiot within is another character to celebrate, but that's another story for another day. 

There are, of course, healthy ways in which to change such perception and behaviour, but this is a process. If this sound like you, or like your partner, there are questions to ask. It's not that you don't know intimacy or don't want to know it, but that you or them, don't allow it.