Sacred Sex: The Growth In Sexual Energy.

There are numerous references to sexual energy and the power that it contains for personal growth, although they rarely are followed by stories that illustrate the transformative power within such energy. This is one of those stories. In every story there's a moment in which anyone can break from the past, so as to begin to write one more in accordance with the limitless possibilities of the human being.

The life we lead is determined by the choices we make. What matters is what we do, and how we conduct ourselves once we dare to make the choice that serves as a diversion from the usual responses and reactions. From then own, it´s the unknown; a space in which we can begin to get to know who we really are. 

Years ago I met a woman who later on insisted in visiting me. Let´s call her Sarah. After several conversations I agreed to meet her again, despite the fact she had not let go of a toxic relationship or at least the idea of it, for which she had too many questions that have no answers. In any relationship, knowing how to be present dissolves any toxic element that people might carry in their luggage, as if it never existed, therefore, I didn't see a problem there, nor I see it now. When the present takes over, past and future dissolve. It's as logical wanting to find answers, as to realise that at times we don't need them, that we do not need to understand everything. Why people do what they do, why they leave relationships without apparent reason hardly helps in the process of healing and self-knowledge.

We fell in love as soon as we saw each other again at the train station early in the evening.  We both knew this was coming. After leaving her luggage, -both material and emotional-, we headed to a wonderful restaurant with a male client I was working with at the time. This client had difficulties engaging with women, so I felt that it would be ideal for him to have a conversation with a woman in such an intimate environment. And it did!

Back home, intimacy created the loving atmosphere that the presence of another person didn't allow at the restaurant, even though the subtlety of it was obvious. The choice of a public place and the presence of a third person, as well as other people in the restaurant only encouraged between us the playfulness and complicity required for intimacy to grow; to learn to wait while enjoying the present moment. Then came the first dance, the first touch, the first kiss. 

There was neither need, nor rush for more than this, but when I got back to my room she was already naked. I had provided a different bedroom for her. Choices! As I like to sleep on the floor, my bedroom was the only one without a bed. Definitely not an environment that invited to further explore physicality, nor sex. What happened next was a long, long preambule that later on and very naturally would turn to sex. 

Foreplay extended for a long period. When she suggested that it was time, that she wanted me, I climbed on top of her. Penetration was the next obvious movement. Even though she was willing, her body rejected the idea, at which point she told me, -apologising for it- that she wasn't dilated enough. I looked her in the eyes, lingering for a minute or so on top of her and said: "I'm going to fuck you anyway." Yes, I said that, while smiling mischievously. Sarah didn't react to my words. Both her eyes and body language surrendered, accepting that I could do anything I wanted. After all, I was a man on top on a naked woman who had put a lot of emphasis and energy into getting to this moment and took her clothes off without even asking, so why not go for it? 

I laid down next to her, stopping her attempt to apologise. No one should feel obliged to apologise when they're not ready to engage in a sexual act. When one of the partners is not ready, neither is the other one. Trying to build a relationship from a sexual act when it's not the right time destroys any further efforts to create a healthy intimate space between two people, especially if this is, as it would had been in this case, a 'forced' act. It's the lack of patience, empathy, synergy between two people, but above all; respect for the other person. 

Sex is the last step in a relationship. Allowing it to grow organically until both people are truly ready is essential and makes it special, but this requires all elements that are introduced in the relationship when both overcome the urgency of immediacy. What it might seem a lost opportunity now, could turn up to be the seed for something greater at a later stage. It's necessary to understand that what it might appear to be a loss, it's in many cases a gain for those who dare to enter the unknown. 

The unknown is always present. 

Perhaps to mention also, that Sarah is a very attractive woman, what to the male psyche might suggest that resisting the temptation is more of an effort. Not quite! Sarah is above all, a person, and that even though she might have not expressed herself adequately, she did say that she wasn't ready. We hear what we want to hear. We see what we want to see. Then we usually do what we please. I heard NO!

In retrospective, had I gone for it, it would have been rape, although I doubt she would have taken it as such. As mentioned earlier, the first stage I like to engage with in a relationship is intimacy for obvious reasons. It takes time to get to know a person, to establish a friendships through playfulness, trust, respect or understanding of someone's needs. In most relationships, sex has already killed the opportunity of intimacy. Humanity has lost the ability to play, as if adults had never been children, and while in all adult seriousness we fuck one's own loneliness away in any sexual act that takes our fancy, we believe that we're the greatest lovers, while wondering why relations go inevitably down the hill at the first set back.

It's perhaps appropriate to mention that during dinner, Sarah had expressed her desire to explore freedom during our time together. It's a norm in relationships to refuse to act as a practitioner, as I'd do with a client, as this puts me in the place of a therapist, -it might even invite the perception of superiority- creating an unequal position, and perhaps thwarting any possibility to bond. 

It's not the same to do shadow work with a partner, being this a mutual effort, than to become their teacher. Gestalt techniques have a powerful effect in people's transformation. Agreeing to help someone in a relationship under these parameters is almost like buying them a one way ticket to elsewhere. The sound of freedom sounded good to me, so I didn't hesitate to comply with her wishes. 

By asking to experience and know freedom, I couldn't ask anything from her, nor could I take anything she didn't want to give. Freedom is an essential element in any relationship, as it's when people feel free that they give the best of themselves when they feel like it. Nothing is rushed. No one is manipulated. If people do not show at their best in any type of relationships, it's due to the lack of it. In The difference between this relationship and any other is that in this one it was asked from the beginning. Sad to have to state the obvious.

At the same time, someone who already feels free would be able to show their best at all times. 

The following days we had breakfast in local cafés, long walks and played all day long while getting to know each other. Laughter was present throughout. During this time our conversations dealt with traumas and the long lasting effects that they may have on people, relationships, issues that may appear and the creation of character and personality but above all; love.

I don't do anything without a deliberate intention in order to see beyond what might seem obvious. Knowing that Sarah had come out of a relationship where she had been merely the receptacle of someone's lust, I wanted to know her position on this and her understanding of intimate and sexual conduct within relationships, reason for which I said what I said. It was clearly then, that sex was not a space in which she felt neither free, nor comfortable, despite her predisposition to give it. 

During one of our walks I asked her, what would have happened if I had carried out my threat. Her answer was that she would have lost all respect for me, as would have I. "Why did you get so aroused then?" I asked. She then realised that she indeed got excited about the possibility of being submitted when this was clearly not what she wanted. She asked if I knew the answer, but the arousal before the possibility of sexual submission is evidently an issue that had to be explored, although the reason was clear, and it relates to sexual healing, which is a subject that deserves a separate blog post. 

By the third day our understanding of each other and the synergy that we had created was so high that reality began to take a different turn. While we walked holding hands through a busy commercial road she noticed that no one could see us, that we were somehow invisible to others. No one looked at us, not even when I tried to call people's attention in order to illustrate this fact. This can be explained from the perspective that all the energy created helped to raise consciousness naturally, as if we were in a way in a different dimension. By the time we reached home I asked her if she had noticed anyone not only looking at us, but engaging with us, an important aspect that she missed. The people who did indeed noticed and communicated with us from the first day had been society's rejects, the homeless, the mad ones. 

Previously that day we entered a castle that was closed to the public. So high were we on love and consciousness that we didn't see any restrictive signs, nor any of the numerous signs around the city that forbid life itself. Sarah also pointed out that the day seemed like five or six days together within one day. Time stretches when living in the moment, never giving the sensation that a day it's too long, as there's a feeling of elation that goes along with it. There was no need to eat, nor were we tired. During this week many of our playfulness involved sexual energy, which was highly arousing, tangible and easy to transmit from one to the other. Playing with the idea of sex and the palpable desire we continued getting to know each other, letting intimacy take its natural course. No rush for anything, just living and thriving in the moment. 

Most of the conversations related to love, art, writing, music, the possibilities to create something either together or separately, as well as other practical matters. The words we choose, and especially the conversations we have, determine how we feel; the state of being. Talk love, be love. 

It's not a secret that a large number of men, -not all- having been presented with the same opportunity to have sex even when the conditions were not suitable, would have gone for it without hesitation. There's still a great need for men to possess, control and feel power over women. It's the domination of the patriarch deeply embedded in the male psyche and for which there's no excuse. The patriarch is a system and an energy. How we respond to it is what defines us as men. Perhaps to repeat once again, that the action of one man reflects on every other man; that the consequences of certain actions are difficult, and sometimes impossible to heal.  

The day to see and feel freedom arrived. Sarah is a singer and a songwriter. Before our meeting she sent me a few of her recordings, to which I listened to with pleasure and attention. While I knew what song she should sing in order for her to reach the realisation of freedom, I couldn't point it out. It had to come from her, and it did without any suggestion from me. One of the benefits of Gestalt is that creates experiences in which people can see and feel what they're looking for. This is due to the energy being expansive, but also focused on the intention of people's requests, so as to work on the desired issues. 

As Sarah sang her song, she realised that she had already written in her own words the experience of freedom, and this was the theme of her music. It's neither rare, nor surprising that someone realises something they already have and know while using Gestalt techniques. This is not reduced to Sara. The whole of humanity seems unable to see themselves for who we are, and individuals keep seeking what they already have. 

So far there's been a lot of playfulness, conversations, walks and good times together. Sexual playfulness took a good part of this time, but it appeared when it did, naturally and without being pushed into any situation. For obvious reasons I'd omit more personal details. While this stage of enhanced consciousness is possible to reach by everyone without exception, it's necessary to point out that, first; I am a conduit for energy, what makes it easier to reach such states. Higher states of consciousness can be reached with the mind alone. Notice that during these days, we were not chasing money, material things, that we were not engaged in criticising the world or others, that we allowed love to be the sole theme even when dealing with practical matters. 

It's possible to discuss the effects that society and its apparatus have on individuals without vindictive impulses. 

It's also necessary to point out, that this is one experience between two people, one shared truth; that this is not the only way to reach what people want. Comparison or competition with everything that entails, such as envy, lust, anger and/or any other of the lower states of consciousness can never be steps towards happiness, nor love. 

The following post: Sacred Sex: The sexual Act, gives the account of what happened next. 

More on sacred sex:

Sacred Sex: Honouring Heart, Body, Soul and the Miracle of Love.


Sacred sex: Is the sex you have as safe as you think it is?