The Narcissist: Sleeping With The Enemy.
There are numerous publications on the figure of the narcissist. However varied such literature might be, it´s mainly focused on how to recognise it, the development of the imbalanced relationship, the consequences and the final and fatal outcome. Fatal would be an excessive adjective to describe this type of relationship if it wasn´t because a little part of us dies during the process. According to all texts that I´ve come across, there´s no future, neither for the narcissist, nor with them. There´s always a solution to everything.
It´s essential to realise that the figure of the narcissist is one not to be idealised. As important as not to bash them either. They do a good job themselves romanticising their life, their pain and their own persona. Criticising them or pointing out their flaws or intentions is just another way of perpetuating the myth; of validating them. What we give our attention to keeps the energy of the situation flowing.
It´s also important to remember that everyone has narcissistic features, that we all seek validation in one way or another. While seeking external validation is a natural step in the process of life and one habit that brings immediate gratification, it´s also a way to meet with disappointment time and again. This world is designed to project rejection wherever we are or whatever interaction we have with others.
Breathe! It doesn´t mean that everyone is a narcissist. There´s nothing wrong with seeking external validation until it´s found within.
The narcissist, as everyone else is someone seeking love; to love and be loved. Like everyone else, they´re also deserving of love. How they go about it is a different story. They´re likely to be addicted to love, to be seeking the ideal, perfect partner. The problem is that no one matches their ideal of perfection other than their own.
A narcissist is a walking paradox. They seek love, while at the same time raising every barrier to love they can think of. This is a person that hurts. They will let you know and you will know about it, because as they hurt, they shamelessly hurt you. It´s also a possibility that they don´t admit to suffering. They´re above all things human! Hurting others is a fact that they are aware of. They simply don´t know how to stop it, nor they feel what others feel.
Arrogance, hate and vengeance are the vital forces of the narcissist. It´s true that the best way to deal with them is not to deal with them at all. The vision of the world and the conviction in their idiosyncrasies are deeply rooted in character and personality so as to be challenged, hence inducing change. A narcissist lives by a logic that might not make sense to others, but that´s powerful and effective in its eloquent rhetoric.
While it could be difficult to move them from their strong convictions, it´s not impossible. If there´s someone who wants to learn, improve themselves and change to a better version of themselves, that would be a narcissist. Not everything is lost. There´s a better future and reality for everyone, including the narcissist.
One undeniable truth is that everyone lives by what we believe to be true. What one has grown to believe as an absolute truth, does not necessarily make it neither true, nor absolute. Narcissist or not, conscious change only occurs when there´s a self-realisation followed by awareness and a new interpretation of truth. Personal beliefs are constantly challenged by external circumstances, but it´s up to every individual to challenge their own and choose a conscious change if this is their decision. The narcissist dismisses any challenging truth.
Eventually what everyone will regret at some point in their lives is that we didn´t accept truths that take us closer to who we really are earlier, not that we might have been wrong. Everyone is wrong about something, and everyone makes mistakes. The sooner we reach inner truth, the freer we will be. Obstinate opposition to truth is nothing but a prison we all wish to escape.
The image and denunciation of the narcissist on social media has acquired the form a witch hunt. While being aware of the intricacies and consequences in a relationship with a narcissist, so as to being aware of what and who we´re dealing with, pointing fingers at anyone from a position of moral superiority is quite a narcissistic attitude in itself.
A person grows to be a narcissist due to lack of love and constant denial of who and what they truly are. Anything but love thrown at them will only serve to make them stronger in their position. One day humanity will learn that the only way to change is through love and lack of judgement.
No one changes while being exposed to anger or fear.
A narcissist, like everyone else is a human being. We do this together or not at all. Something else is to continue validating their actions unconditionally in the name of love. If it hurts, it's not love. They could be the most enchanting people; even have a kind and warm heart. They usually are charming and charismatic and know how to get what they want. This knowing makes the narcissist so powerful. If they don´t get what they want from you, they will get it somewhere else.
The problem lies in the fact that what they need takes a toll on others. The narcissist will take anything they want from anyone by any means possible within reason. They thrive on their selfish sense of entitlement. Most of their actions will follow automatic patterns and habits. Whatever harm comes to others is never they're problem, but someone else's weakness. In many ways it could be argued that their actions are unconscious or follow the only truth they've known so far. However damaging their actions are, like everyone else, they're learning and growing.
In relationships, a narcissist will approach close enough to create interest. This is how they hook people. Once the interest has been created, they feign ignorance of such fact and would always put it back on you. They will never admit to be that interested in you and if they do, they'd pretend that the feeling is not as strong as yours. This gives them the upper hand, as well as to receive a devoted attention to their persona. Attention that later on they'll pretend not to want nor appreciate either.
The imbalance in relationships is created, never real. A narcissist like everyone else can fall madly in love with someone else. For a person that doesn't feel that they're good enough -as this is their real problem and the cause of all mayhem they create- being in love with someone else connects them with a vulnerability in which they don't feel safe. Being in love opens a sense of dependency and the abysmal possibility of being abandoned. Jealousy inevitably follows on their part. The answer to this threat is to end the relationship even when they're in love. It's a way of being in control and to make the separation less painful. There are more hearts to break out there.
The narcissist begins to learn as they grow up, internalising and processing what they learn. Let's not forget that what they seek is love. One can move from relationship to relationship without feeling nor emotion, but eventually that person that reaches deep in their hearts will turn up. Finally someone they truly want to be with and that matches their expectations. One might be confident in their own secluded and safe reality for years, but what no one can ever do is to underestimate people.
Through love, a narcissist is looking for a exit from their prison. They´re aware of this fact even if they don´t admit it.
Heartbreak changes the narcissist forever. By leaving a relationship one can convince themselves that there's neither pain, nor emotion. It's a survival instinct, but once love has rendered the heart soft and open before someone else, the narcissist's tools for survival become useless. They might continue hurting the other person, as they hurt themselves. At this point they face a reality they've never experienced before. How to deal with real love. At this stage, their ideal of love is being challenged and even if only for a while, they'll do their best to adjust to a new reality.
Their response to a break up can vary. Pretending that the emotion is not there might work for a while, even for years, but it's also an energy that has been stored in their hearts and bodies and that it's likely to hit them back when least expected. Their arrogance is at once, fuel and their perdition, as people are taken for granted. Not everyone is willing to put up with the shenanigans of a narcissist.
There are several scenarios in which a narcissist may gain conscience of the consequences of their acts, and with it, a new awareness. They all relate to a sense of loss, whether this is heartbreak or the loss of something valuable to them, the effect is similar.
What needs to be understood about the narcissist is that this is still a child that hurts. They may Gaslight others, keep them small, dismiss the good in people others until there´s nothing to be liked in them in order to keep themselves safe. Admitting to like a new reality is admitting to love, and that is too vulnerable, for most people, not only a narcissist.
The way to deal with the narcissist is not to believe any belittling that comes from them and letting them go. This is unfamiliar territory for them, a place in which they´d be forced to think. However difficult this decision can be, one has to consider what´s the need for someone to remain in an unhealthy situation until there´s nothing good left in us. The longer one remains in a relationship with a narcissist, the weaker and needier one becomes. Get out while you have the strength to move on.
The emotional attachment might make the separation heartbreaking, but for as long as the situation is validated by giving unconditional attention to them, the worst the outcome will be.
I´ve loved one narcissist or two in my life, and still do, as there was in them a part so authentic, so enchanting and beautiful that made life a wonderful place to be, but as I found self-respect and self-love, I also found the strength to move on. Yes, I left with the question in heart and mind of what could have been of us together, a question that will never be answered in reality. This is an answer that I know it in my heart. I left them with love and a broken heart to think about. I won't deny that leaving hurt so, but I left in the most loving way while we were both still in love. To this day, no one heard me say a bad word about them. Personally, I wish them all the best they can get in life. Now and then.
What the narcissist doesn't know is that they will continue looking for me and you and he or she in another person and will never find us. They don't know that the sense of loss and separation grows within. Anything, but to look within.
If you tried and gave your best, don´t be afraid to move on with love. For as long as we continue accepting what we don´t want, we will never get what we want. It´s that simple.
We live in a narcissistic society that continues to tell everyone that we´re not good enough. A society that is neither kind, nor loving. The emergence of the figure of the narcissist is no wonder, but almost a necessity. It´s not the best way to get what one wants, as it hurts others, but it has to be understood and considered that perhaps this is the only way we know.
With their actions and way of living, the narcissist is preserving and defending everything that´s good in them. It´s form of self-preservation, self-validation and self-belief. Believe it or not, they´re are one step ahead of the rest in finding love and everything they want. There is a positive to being selfish as long as it doesn´t involve taking anything from others. The hurt they create and spread will be their downfall. What we reap we saw and it always comes back in one way or another.
Eventually the narcissist will fall to rise once again. With every fall we have an opportunity to rise again to a different and better version of ourselves. How many times we fall is up to everyone. Having the opportunity of humbly waking up to a new reality, a new you is a personal choice. This is when growth takes place. Going back to the same old reality and old ways of behaving after a fall is in itself a selfish act. What does that remain you of?
People, narcissistic or not, respond to love, kindness and a caring and nurturing environment in which they can express themselves freely. Freedom is what they and all of us are looking for. If Narcissus one day decided to withdraw proud to the reflection of his own beauty and disdain everyone who loved him is because perhaps the reality he met was not really love.
It's important not to take any criticism that comes from a narcissist personally. They will always try and make you believe that it's all your fault; the fact that they're jealous or angry or not feeling loved. Face them with the truth and leave it there. It's important that they hear who and what they're are at that stage in life, so as to create a new awareness that might eventually initiate change in them. If the situation becomes unattainable, leave. In their pride they will find a way to rationalise that they left you at least to the gallery. Deep within they know the truth.
No matter what. Wish them well and leave with love.
Personally I know that leaving a relationship is not a healthy step. However, when a relationship has run its course and all that causes is pain, suffering and even despair throughout, if you did your best to accommodate, compromise and work things out, it might be the healthier step you can give towards a better life. Do it with love, forgive the other and forgive yourself. Sometimes leaving is an act of self-love.
Finally, you might want to realise and accept that there's a brighter future for the narcissist, and that you might not be a part in it.
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Posted by Manel Blanco