Emotional Suicide: The High Cost Of An Unfeeling Life.
It´s easy to numb feelings in a world that constantly nudges people with contradictory, messages and unreal expectations dictating what a person has to do, feel, think or be. By the time someone decides to live an unfeeling life, they have already developed a marked character, personality and a set of beliefs that will define their identity probably for the rest of their existence.
Even though they´re equal in nature, the delivery of these messages and expectations are different, more calculated and subtle. They´re echoes of what parents, family, friends and teachers taught or tried to teach you from an early age, but also unloving and with the deliberate intention to show that you´re not enough. It´s a clever way to tell you that you that you don´t have free will or any other choices than those already formulated.
There´s a moment in childhood in which almost everyone somehow gives in to the formulaic ways of the world in order to be loved. While love is what we seek, most of us would be contented with being accepted by others in order not to feel alone. The alternative, not conforming to parental rules or society's expectations can be the beginning of a tough life, but also an interesting and fascinating one. Eventually we all bite the bait in one way or another, but those seeking to see the freedom within represented in the outside world won't stay for too long and will move on to new adventures. It's the call of the soul.
The process of adaptation to the world in a child is heartbreaking. Children's actions are founded on love, but as what the child receives in return is far from it, one tends to withdraw. Love and trust make us vulnerable. This vulnerability is understood by the world as weakness. Any kind of emotion whether in a man, a woman or a child is met with condescending or bullying. Even the most loving parents can bully their children. Often, their bullying actions are conscious, but even when their intentions are to toughen up their children, it causes a damage that can be irreparable in many individuals. It also displays the actions and beliefs of an unconscious person.
The immediate reaction in a child is to numb their feelings in order to survive, to preserve the inner beauty for better days. This is an instinctual reaction that serves as a defense mechanism. The barriers we create to love work in both ways. They protect us from being hurt, but also prevent us from fully loving. One can still experience love or to fall in love momentarily, but by this point, love is something not to trust. The unconscious speaks to body and mind of a previous hurt; one that one might not even remember as it occurred at an early age.
It's not fear what scares people most; it's love.
Some people would never believe they have been traumatised, nor admit to trauma, as they experienced what it's considered a normal and loving childhood. Sometimes the sense of abandonment can be as simple as a parent being distracted for a few seconds during an interaction. It doesn't have to be a violent event.
Detached or unloving parents can have a traumatic effect on children, leading the towards an unfeeling life.
Fear of love influences every romantic relationship. Numbing feelings is a form of slow suicide; one that deters the individual from loving fully. People can still fall in love, if only for a while, but at the first symptom of abandonment from their partners, they'll withdraw.
A blog entry on fear of love can be found on this link.
Choosing an unfeeling life leads to create a narcissistic personality to one degree or another. Everyone has narcissistic tendencies. Some develop them more than others. It's possible to return to love from a narcissistic personality, but that would be a theme for a different blog post.
In this way, an individual will choose a partner they don't really want to be with. It's easier to leave them. For this purpose they grow feelings for someone to experience love, but never to have a long term or meaningful relationship with. In some cases such approach might backfire, as they do fall in love, at which point they'll begin to sabotage the relationship in every possible way they can imagine until their partners see no other option that to leave. A person that is closed to love would sacrifice a relationship with a person they'd probably spend their lives with, just not to feel vulnerable.
All barriers to love raise once again. They feel numb and their minds rationalise thousand excuses not to love the person they're in love with. These type of people move on to another relationship fairly quick, if not immediately, as deep inside they feel empty and alone. They need company, as well as feeling loved and wanted. The paradox here is that they can't live without love. Once again they'll choose someone they can't love, and in occasions someone they might not even find that attractive. It's a safe zone in which they can be strong and in control. Anything is valid in order not to show the vulnerability that appears when we fall in love.
Numbing feelings might offer the impression that one is safe momentarily. It could be for long periods of time, years of even a lifetime, but there's a point in which missing someone they want to have a deeper connection with present itself. The longer we choose to remain in the prison of an unemotional life, the harder feelings and emotions will hit at a later stage.
The only escape from feelings and emotions is to feel.
The approach to life is unconscious. A decision that most likely was taken in childhood and which can affect the most wonderful people. This is one of the reasons why people do not meet their ideal partner. While someone is being distracted by lovers, meaningless affairs and people they can't really love, the ideal partner is elsewhere leading a different life, but also waiting for them. It does take courage to love.
An unemotional life also prevents the individual from showing their best and unique qualities to themselves, as well as to the world. It prolongs the feeling that you're not enough, and even though it's not admitted, a strong sense that you might not deserve love. Either way, it hurts. Being brave enough to admit it to yourself is an entirely different story.
There's true magic in love and in unleashing the authenticity of the true self. The magic within each person is endless. It transforms lives, states of being, improves health, as well as personal lives and relationships.
While this is a common problem in modern society, it's not one to be judged, but exposed. Numbing feelings might prevent negative feelings and emotions from reaching the heart, but it also prevents to live a life In Love, which is where we come from and where we all belong.
An unemotional life also has consequences in relationships with other people, especially friends and family. As the barriers grow stronger, sharper and more numerous, it's almost unavoidable to hurt others, including ourselves. It creates isolation, depression and despair, a further sensation of being not good enough or being undeserving of love.
As one feels that they're not deserving of love, the believe that others aren't also grows. No one will ever be enough. From then on it's a long and painful journey back to love. The safety one believes they live surrounded by increases insecurities, affecting self-esteem negatively.
There's a way out of this prison through feeling and emotions. The more we feel, the less one will be affected by such emotions. Emotions become weaker opening up the wonders we all have within, to a life of authenticity, inner peace and confidence in which anyone would experience a healthier state of being, living in the knowing and patience that love is always at reach. It allows us not only to open up channels to find true love with the ideal person, but to improve our relationships with others.
There's always a solution to everything. It's as simple as taking the lead and give one step forward and out of the prison one day at a time. There's no rush. Whether you're single or in a relationship, use your time and energy to improve yourself to do all those things that you always wanted to do, to follow your dreams, to learn new and different things, to visit new places. The list is endless. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and see the magic happen.
There's a high cost to an unemotional life, which is not to live from your heart; not to live at all. One might feel protected in this situation while young, somehow feeling invincible and immortal, but there's regret at the end of the tunnel. Regret for an unloving and unexplored life. There's no such thing as an adventure, if this adventure is not travelled within.
Vulnerability makes us stronger, as we rediscover a new type of strength and confidence that lie within. It takes you beyond fear. Sometimes a leap of faith is as simple as that.
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Posted by Manel Blanco