All Men Are The Same.
"All men are the same" is a statement voiced too often. These are words usually come after feelings of rejection and abandonment. It would be easy, even opportunistic to reply with the same old adagio that we´re not all the same, that some or many men do care, treat women with love, respect and a long string of convenient rhetoric. Such statement is also an opportunity to tackle the issue of how women may or may not be treating men in relationships. There´s a difference between opportunity and being opportunistic. One has to recognise and know the difference, then act accordingly.
That every man is unique, different to every other man is not a secret to anyone. However, within the diversity in men, there's an element of uniformity that makes the previous statement a relative truth. Any man that knows his value and appreciates their uniqueness, won´t enter the comparison, nor react to such words.
The fact that so many women affirm that all men are the same is not merely an expression after a frustrating experience, but one that has been repeated time and again. It has a deeper meaning. Perhaps it's not the best way to deal with the situation, but it is what we have right now.
It might be time that men begin to listen and learn not to react, and without explanation of who one is to move outside the comfort zone. Just listen. There´s no need to explain ourselves. These words are a general feeling, the expression of an emotion. If men don´t want listen to it, it´s because we´re terrified of emotions we don't understand or might not want to understand; detached from the experience. The common, but not natural response is anger, so as to numb such feelings and emotions.
It's also true that if a man has not participated in such experience they want to remove themselves from such reality, and not to respond to the call. It's also true that "all men are the same" is the voice of one of the oppressive energies of patriarchy.
Men are as emotional as women, but it's expressed in a different way. The reason why this is not recognised is that we seem to have taken monopoly over anger, as if of a birth right, discarding all other emotions. If we don´t listen to the collective is because we know there´s truth in such statement. Truth and responsibility are steps closer to intimacy, an abstract we´re terrified of, and one we don´t yet fully understand as a gender. When intimacy is reduced to the momentary pleasure, the instant gratification of the male genitalia by any means possible, we´re missing the connection with the deeper and greatest part of our own being. Without it, no man can create a deeper connection to another, nor expect to have a healthy relationship with a woman.
Anger is a defense mechanism. One that stops men from growing, perpetuating the tantrum of the inner child.
The problem of uniformity.
However different one man is from another, we still move within the parameters imposed by patriarchy. The feelings and beliefs that society holds on women are deeply ingrained in the collective psyche. Misogyny is a real force, a belief that many men wouldn't recognise or won´t admit to hold in their belief's system. It's not easy to see where we might be going wrong. A woman is not only the object of affection, but possession.
Patriarchy affects both men and women in different ways. Men are not free from its powerful grasp either, even though it is reflected in multiple ways wherever we are.
Misogyny, as well as patriarchy are energies that move powerfully through society with devastating effects. This is represented in several ways, but one in particular, seeing women as lesser beings, as a commodity to satisfy immediate needs, as someone who makes us look good in front of friends, family and peers.
Peer pressure to act manly or cool in front of others slowly influences the development of a child and the person he´s to become. By acting in such uniformed ways, one loses authenticy, and you, a child that was born in love, with amazing gifts and an incredible potential become an obedient part of a system that suppresses the good qualities of any individual because we still follow the preaching of ´sacred´ scriptures and accept that women are a group destined to servitude. This is a convenient truth that doesn't help anyone.
One cannot be authentic while continue behaving within the established parameters of what a man is supposed to be or how to act. Without authenticity, you will never be able to show the world who you really are. While the steps to change and development into who you really are might not seem easy, with a bit of awareness and dedication this is possible sooner than you may think.
How it affects men in relationships with women.
Men as a collective have earned the view women have of us, if not personally, by association or gender. Unfortunately there´s a large percentage of men who use and abuse opportunities, their position, relationship status, personal qualities and a woman´s feelings to feed selfish needs for a while, having no intention to stay in the relationship or to create a space between man and woman which they see and treat as sacred. History is written with countless crimes against women. What we do to others, we do to ourselves.
It's disheartening to meet a woman; to hear that "I has not been raped, but" ... the silence that follows this sentence is filled with fear and desperation, knowing that this is a real possibility that's lurks around every corner. Without explaining, this sentence also tells of how she's been coerced in one way or another into sex.
Every experience that a person goes through creates a memory, which is stored in body and mind. If the experience that a woman has with a man is negative, the memory will continue to be negative. Many men are currently paying the consequences for the actions of men in a woman's past. A bad experience creates a trigger. Triggers are followed by negative reactions. As a man, you might have never caused any harm to your partner, but you're facing the consequences of episodes in the past relationships.
When a woman feels triggered, the man is automatically rejected, and as he feels rejected, he's also triggered, reacting accordingly and creating separation; followed by feelings of abandonment that if unexplored may cause further negative episodes. Trust is negatively affected, and if not dealt with appropriately, it could be beginning the end of the relationship. It's not that she doesn't trust you. She has learned not to trust men in general. What both partners need to know and recognise in this case, is that nothing of what's happening has anything to do with them. The initial trigger could be as simple as a loving word or the most gentle touch. It doesn´t necessarily have to be another negative experience.
A man and a woman could be in love, experiencing the most romantic moment in their relationship and still be triggered by a past memories. A woman doesn´t have to go through the worst experience -violent or abusive- with a man. It´s possible that she´s triggered by a memory created in childhood. It´s as simple as grandfather touching his granddaughter´s face in a loving, but unwanted manner twenty years ago. What for a grandfather could be an act of love, it could be an invasive act for the child.
The end of the affair.
The end of a relationship usually leaves a sour feeling, especially when it´s the partner´s choice. Whatever reasons they may have are irrelevant. What remains is the sudden feeling of abandonment; the sense that we´re no longer important to someone with whom we probably wanted to spend the rest of their lives with. The feeling of rejection deepens in the wound as an ex-partner moves on and begins a new relationship when one is still mourning the loss. New feelings emerge, resentment, anger, even hate. Now we definitely feel unimportant and rejected, more so when any opportunity of reconciliation vanishes the moment they're with someone else. They want to be in a relationship with someone, but not with us.
Such reaction is not surprising. Intimacy, love, happiness and friendship to name a few are removed from our lives within seconds.
These emotions could also be triggered by a brief affair. The relationship doesn't need to go deeper than a couple of nights together. There´s a lot to say on this subject, and there are healthy solutions to these common problems. However, it's too extensive a topic to treat it in one blog post, and it does take inner work. Work that many people are not willing to take on or don't know how or where to begin.
Uniqueness and integrity as the solution.
Appreciating our uniqueness is no longer enough in a world with hardly any values left, where many people take no accountability for their actions. We have to act on it, set a new imprint and move towards a healthier reality. A world that functions on the energy of immediate gratification is dysfunctional, as pleasure, love or happiness always come from external sources. Men have to step up, use their gift and make a difference. The actions of one man reflect on every other man, even though logic says that a woman should learn to differentiate between one man and the rest.
There are many men out there who are not the same. Conscious men that do not enter this comparison. Everyone has a responsibility towards others. How we treat others define who we are. As the world is moving towards a more conscious reality, men who have chosen to lead a more conscious life must be the precursors of a new education.
It's not necessary to spell it out. If you've been present in a bar conversation with other men, you will know what this is about. How many of those 'friends' would you trust to leave alone with your wife, girlfriend or daughter?
There are wonderful aspects about masculinity that men could easily embrace, which in turn would make a difference, but we're still too preoccupied or reacting to the general view that women have of us. Women need men, as much as men need women, but not at any price. This works both ways. We all want more, deserve more. Everyone wants to love and be loved.
Reaction does not make a difference. The silent response of our actions does.
It might also be time for everyone to realise, both men and women, that we have to take responsibility, to begin to build the house from its foundations. Any man is a role model. What role model we decide to become is a personal choice. Taking responsibility comes with the realisation that the established system is never going to provide the type of education that teaches men and women to be a better person.
An education that has been appropriate from childhood would not require people to seek to become a better person at a later stage in life, as high values would be already an intrinsic part in someone's belief system. The problem is that we're trained to be functional to provide for the needs of a patriarchal and capitalist system, not to be a person.
To become a better person we learn with experience, making mistakes. No matter how many mistakes you might have made, every day is an opportunity to begin with a clean sheet. Who you were yesterday is not what or who you are today. If we continue behaving in the same way is because we choose to, not because we have to.
We are already born a better person. What happens between then and now has a lot to do with education and the basis of fear in which society continues functioning. A society in which no one is good enough. Everyone is good enough from the moment of birth. Sadly, we're educated to separate from who we truly are, acting accordingly until we learn better.
As men, it's our responsibility to the a proactive participant in a new education process, to share our knowledge and values with everyone. Every moment is an opportunity to impart such knowledge. Knowledge is only power when shared. The new education doesn't go through a classroom, but in the every day life. It's not about preaching, but leading by example, to identify and share the benefits of a healthier approach to relationships and how to treat and communicate with women, ourselves and the world.
It's clear that the current model has been obsolete for centuries. Every day is an opportunity to initiate change, one that benefits everyone involved in the situation. As someone considers a shift in attitude, those feelings and actions are not about becoming the hero that saves Damsel in distress, but to be a decent person. Not a man, nor a woman, but a person.
The actions of a person can have a positive effect in the lives of thousands, so as to provide the basis of a world where love is possible. In the end, all comes to love. How we interact with the world determines the kind of love we give and receive, whether one is afraid of love or willing to risk it all for it; or if and when we lead a life in which love flows abundantly for every one.
If the actions of one person can reflect on thousands, even millions, imagine what an effect the positive actions of many would have. You may never see or perceive such effects directly and you may never receive feedback or praise for who you are or what a positive impact you have in the world. Not everything is instant gratification. Instant gratification is another lie we've been sold and one which we buy on a daily basis. We have to learn to live with this fact of not knowing our impact in the world and the fact that the rewards will return in different ways from numerous sources. It's the law of cause and effect.
There are solutions to every problem in relationships when both partners are willing to work on their issues. However, the perception from personal experience is that most people wait until the end of a relationship to take action, when nothing can be done to solve it. It's possible to foresee and tackle all issues as soon as they appear, to not allow it to deteriorate. If this is your case, feel free to contact me directly here, so as to identify the solutions that are already within you. It's possible to improve the world regardless of what you've been told. The change begins with the self, then, everything else begins to fall into place.
The amount of healthy and conscious men in the world is large, as well as increasing in numbers. Let's change the narrative, both men and women and see that there's much more to love than what one has experienced so far. A bad relationship does not define every woman, nor every man.
It's not the all men are the same, but the view we have of others. There are many wonderful men listening to this desperate call, responding with a beautiful silence and who are engaged in amazing personal and collective projects to create change. They won't respond to the "all men are the same" call, nor will you meet them while the vision puts us in the same box. We see what we want to see, we hear what we want to hear. Changing the narrative changes everything. No woman will meet this type of man, while believing we're all the same.
Conscious men don't go where they're nor valued, nor have they any need to prove their worth to anyone. The intention to shift perceptions is there, the need to be recognised by their actions might not.
These men consciously work on themselves. They don't run away from relationships, nor are afraid of commitment. This kind of man lies within every man, and any woman has the power and ability to bring him to life.
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