Understanding And Overcoming Physical, Psychological And Emotional Abuse.
To understand and forgive behaviour like the ones that inflict physical, psychological and emotional abuse on others, especially when directed to children, it is necessary to change the perception that was shaped in the mind during the period in which took place, as well as being able to, somehow rationalise such actions from the other's point of view. There can be understanding and forgiveness without making excuses for others. Making excuses for others only serves to validate the same behaviour, which in turn allows it to continue.
Forgiveness is possible. Understanding comes first.
Abuse in all three forms described in above appeared in my life at the age of six. For the next ten years, I wouldn't go a day without some kind of abuse. First came physical, followed by emotional and psychological abuse, although not necessarily in this order. Abuse often came for no reason, other than my parents' frustrations. It was a daily battle, and one that I lost and won every day. The reasons didn't make any difference either. It didn't matter whether I broke something by accident or misbehaved. The punishment was always a beating. I was even abused, -again, in any way they could,- for having no appetite. Trying to reason or explain that I was not hungry didn't help. It made it worse.
It was mostly my father, whom day after day hit me as many times as he deemed appropriate, both in public and in private. Public humiliation was often on the menu. Eventually punishment came without thought. I was even punished for the actions of my siblings. I could go on with details and fill an entire book with all memories I have from all the episodes. I have forgiven, but I have not forgotten.
My father often threatened me with sending me to a youth correctional. Something that at the time I didn't know he couldn't do. No wonder that ever since one of my biggest fears has been prison. I lost count of the times I was told I would never do anything with my life.
One day in my early twenties he made the mistake to threatened my younger brother with a correctional in front of me. By that time I was no longer a mouth that wouldn't shut up. I was in fact a menace to anyone standing in my way. I don't believe there have been any threats since.
The positive part of this is that my ultimate goal is freedom. My freedom and the freedom of everyone else.
This is how I learned fear.
I was not an easy child to deal with. In fact, I was impossible to handle. The only person to whom I would listen to and show respect was my teacher for the first two years in primary, to whom I called father several times. Once he left, I was all alone, but to this day, he's the only father figure I ever had. A kind man, generous whom would stay after school teaching me, as during school time and once I had finished the lesson and my homework I taught my classmates.
I had an incredible curiosity that I have not lost, which often led me to explore the mystery beyond everything. Everything was and is fascinating. Behind everything there's always a mystery that once unveiled brings an amazing story. I was born with memories not easy to explain. Memories of a different dimension, and answers to this life. I knew that what my parents were doing to me was wrong, and I was not going to put up with it.
In time, and as the abuse increased, such memories faded and I got lost in the world like everyone else. Not due to a complete amnesia of such knowledge, but because I wanted to protect the soul, and all the secrets within the most beautiful part of me, not knowing then that the soul is always protected.
My response to abuse was not the most intelligent, almost suicidal. Yes, I was terrified when I heard the door opening, knowing that it was my father, and that he would find another reason to hit me and blame me for it, but I was not going to let him get away with it. Soon after this, I became unemotional, on-your-face-defiant. I made a pact with myself, to become the strongest soul that's ever lived. This is a very important moment in my life, as it is the day my inner child is born. A child my age didn't have the strength to survive the tyranny of the hand that thought knew all, but the mythological character that I created within, could bear the unbearable. And it did.
The question that raises here is this, and it applies to everyone: if I was able to bring such a strength to merely survive, what wouldn't I be able to create when I decided that what I want to do is to live instead? The power each of us has within is infinite. We just have to believe it.
I became reckless, despondent and defiant. I wouldn't shut my mouth regardless of the amount of blows I received. One thing I knew for sure was that that man was going to lose his soul beating me. Not only this, I provoked him constantly. I refused to lie in order to avoid a beating. Sometimes I also refused to tell the truth.
Even though it might not be clear, this is to say that I attracted everything that happened. My early dislike of my father comes from the period before birth, but this is a story I am not yet willing to share, as it is irrelevant to the subject.
The truth is that both my parents were afraid of me. I was precocious, a sponge for knowledge, articulate and I had magic with me. From an early age I had an incredible sense of direction, and since I remember I always knew I was going to be a writer. School was too easy. Everything was too easy, and I've always been able to see through people, and to say the most inconvenient truth at the most inconvenient time. If my life has been hard, it is because I chose to. However, this is not excuse for what they did to me, nor what other parents do to their children. They also have to take responsibility for their actions.
The consequences that this treatment had in my life were disastrous for a long period: violence, hatred and self-hatred, alcohol -I started drinking long before ten-, hard drugs, depression, the inability to keep a relationship feeling suffocated by love and a sense of safety, promiscuity, fear of intimacy or a complete disregard for authority. I was not only alone; it was me against the world.
As I write, I feel as if I was writing about a different person. In fact, I am. I cannot longer identify with whom I use to be.
The fairies of childhood, grown up and unemployed.
My childhood dreams were to travel far away or studying in a boarding school, so as soon as I could I left home. As moving out was not enough, I also left the country and have only returned to visit for short periods since. Sometimes to find home, we have to leave it first.
But not everything is what it seems in life. Everything has a meaning, and a different reading once perspective is changed. Perspective can only be changed by understanding. In my case, it was not easy to get there.
At some point in my life I regained most of the magical abilities I had as a child. In order to understand my parents and what was done to me, I had to see first what their childhood and their lives had been like. When I was more lost than ever, I was also fortunate to find great teachers that led me there. I was sick of being me, desperately wanting a break from my life.
Talking to my parents was not a possibility. They were not open enough to facilitate such information. I live in a different country and we have never been close. The only way I could find out was to access the Akashic records, see it and feel it for myself. My parents didn't have it easy either, and I could see that many of the things that were done to me, did not even come from them, but from an energy that has been in the family for generations. It's not possible to blame someone when they don't even know what they are doing or why they do it. If anything, I feel compassion for them.
This energy, I'm happy to say, has died with this generation, my siblings and me. Children in the family are now born in a place of love, healing and freedom. This change is obvious in the new children in the family. It is possible to break the cycle, and only for this, everything I went through was worth it.
Everyone who knows me personally also knows that I've always been very vocal about my situation as a child. I made a flag of my wound. I hesitated to share this story because my parents are still alive, and no matter what, they're good people. They didn't know better. If I share it today is because there are many people out there who have been through similar experiences, and any reference they might find of healing traumas of childhood abuse are not enough.
It is possible to understand, to forgive and to heal from everything, even if at times it seems impossible. I cannot tell anyone else what to do or what to feel. Being angry and traumatised by situations like this is normal, and everyone deserves to take the time they need until they heal. The intention of this blog post is to show others that it is possible. It is not an easy path, and answers don't come as fast as one would wish them to.
Even after accessing the Akashic records, healing didn't come immediately. It would take months until everything changed for me. I do remember the day and the moment that my perception changed, and with it, everything else. It was a powerful moment of letting go, and at looking back in my life, I saw a completely different picture. There was love all over. I just couldn't see it. What I remembered as a childhood in black and white, suddenly was full of colour. The magic returned, and I no longer had to be that strong character that the inner chiild, L'enfant Terrible created.
However raw, unfair or cruel what I have shared today might seem, I wouldn't change my childhood for anything, and if I had to do it all over again, I would choose the same again. What I went through taught me the lessons I needed, so as to be able to do my work in this period of the journey. I can only be grateful to my parents for everything they gave me; the good and the bad. I love them both.
While for years and years, memories of childhood were painful, today there is no emotion attached to them. It's like watching a film in which I was the main actor without feelings of harm or the impression of having been victimised. If feels as if all emotions that related to childhood trauma and abuse had been removed, what allows me to see different ones; the good and loving stories I had lost memory of. Through the trail of these stories I can return to the child I once was, and engage in a different narrative that without a doubt will transform my life today, and in years to come.
Earlier on I described the attitude I developed at a very early age, and which I shaped with a vengeance in order to cause as much mayhem as possible. By revisiting childhood from a different perspective and seeing more colourful scenarios, I can also see that I've been helping and teaching others from a very early age, that love was always there unconditionally. I was born with a purpose, like everyone else.
The only way to remember is to reconnect with the child. The child we once were knows all the answers. And that child is still here, very much alive, buried under all the superficial debris one has to learn in order to survive. But once there's a connection with the child, there's also clarity.
If it took so long to heal was due to my choice of lifestyle: sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. I led an unfeeling life, and for this I can't blame anyone, not even myself. Everything is a lesson. If I didn't learn sooner was because I was not ready to see the truth about myself. The irony is that what we are most afraid of, our own truth, it is also the most beautiful.
I have spoken with my mother about that period and only recently in a conversation she initiated. When she realised what it was like, she apologised. I never asked. I said that everything is forgiven, that no longer matters, and that I love her. I know she only opened up because she no longer saw me as a threat. She felt safe with me for the first time in decades.
My father, however, will have none of it and still lives in denial. We'll get there in time. There's always time and I'll go as far as to say that an apology is not even necessary. Sometimes we have to learn to live without an apology, no matter how much harm others have caused us. The truth cannot be hidden. The longer it takes, the harder it hits.
I have to thank my friend Ines for encouraging to share this story over two years ago. Then I couldn't see the value of it, but today I see that returning to life lessons can be healing, as well as being able to see details that might have appeared insignificant then, but hide beautiful truths and incredible resources to heal and expand. She believes that there are many men going through similar situations to the one I went through, and that in the case of men we are not so prepared to admit that we might have been unable to defend ourselves from abuse.
I am neither a victim, nor a survivor. I just Am.
No one could touch me for years without getting a defensive or aggressive reaction from me, not even my girlfriends. Today it is possible, although I no longer seek intimacy through others or with others. Intimacy is a journey I have to walk alone.
This is my story, my experience and some of the steps I took to heal. Every journey and every experience is different. Therefore, healing can come in many ways, multiple forms and from different people. Everyone must choose what's best for them. Every journey is one valid way to heal, and to find home. Follow your intuition, and above all, your heart. The right people and circumstances will appear. Don't be afraid to ask for help, pay for it, even if you have to borrow money as I did. Once you see the light again, if you cannot see it today, you will see that it was worth it to stay in the path for as long as you have, and to realise that that light has always being there.
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