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To Find Love, You Don't Have To Love Yourself First.

Rumour has it that you have to love yourself before you find love. New age rumour. The new age seems to have a number of unsubstantiated rules and regulations that have become part of the collective unconscious, and while they might come with good intentions, can cause more harm than good. That someone has to love themselves before they can love others or find love is one of them. Anyone can love anyone else anytime they feel like it, and definitely someone who has not yet learn to love themselves, which is the majority of people, can still find love and a relationship

Loving yourself definitely helps to find love, as the energy someone functions on and emanates is higher and more inviting to others. In fact, it's possible to be in love, even before meeting someone. Being in love is a magnet, therefore attraction and love are easy to manifest. It's the natural state of the human being. Whether we are connected or not to such source is a different story. This is a fact that I know from experience, and which I believe to be true for many. However, it's not an essential step in the quest of love. 

Telling someone to love themselves before finding love is the same as telling people that  they don't deserve love. While the intention might be good it can affect the confidence and self-esteem in someone who's already feeling low or unworthy of love and send them straight to depression. What in the spur of the moment -because this is a cliché- and could sound wise coming from someone who goes from cliché to cliché in order to look well versed in the spiritual journey, is not wisdom. It's actually a rather unwise thing to say.

Furthermore, someone who loves themselves, but have not been able to find love or the appropriate person to have a relationship with could begin to believe that they're also unworthy of love. There are many people who love themselves that remain single for this reason. This is a limiting belief and one that goes along the line that we're not good enough, and that we don't deserve love.

Over the years I had the pleasure of serving many clients, mostly working on their relationships issues. I have not yet worked with anyone who wasn't deserving of love or couldn't find it, as they all reunited qualities and attributes worth having and worth loving. Most of the issues they were dealing with were obstacles that people find to love or to be loved, which is a natural stage to go through for everyone, and which are developed throughout life by a constant exposure to abusive elements. The reasons to reach such beliefs are simple. This is what we've all been told repeatedly from birth, if not by parents, by siblings, friends, peers, stranger or by the many voices of the collective unconscious.

People might be facing fear of love or intimacy, fear of rejection or abandonment, feeling unworthy, recovering from deep traumas caused by abuse of neglect. Some people have greater social skills, others may be less attractive, but still attractive to someone. All these reasons influence people's self-worth and confidence, but there's no reason why anyone couldn't find love.

Having worked with so many people in building their strengths, positive attributes and self-esteem in order to help them solve their limiting beliefs, I know that it can be a lengthy process, which can be dismantled by sentences such as this. And it is a sentence. A prison sentence. Most people already live in the prison of their limiting beliefs. We don't need more of it, especially not coming from the spiritual community.

I also know from experience that in order to reach a successful outcome, clichés don't help. There's not one standard answer for everyone. The problem with throwing clichés around camouflaged wisdom, is that everyone is dealing with different issues, and that while one answer serves many, it might not apply to the someone else. Even the same answer has to be adapted to the character, personality and experience of that person.

It's not possible to treat everyone in the same way, therefore clichés don't work. Clichés only work in the collective unconscious, while love is an energy that moves in the collective consciousness. There's a great difference between both, as there's is between shadows and light. Clichés are in fact great selling techniques targeting people's weaknesses. A cliché is the box everyone talks about. It doesn't require thinking.

Everyone is born in love. From that moment on, we learn fear from family, society and culture. Learning not to love ourselves is a consequence of how society as a whole is separated from collective consciousness and any resemblance of love. Love is not what drives the world. Fear is, and so, people do respond with reactions to love.

The tragedy is that unconsciously we continue doing to ourselves what it has been done to us, acquiring and prolonging bad habits, which become normal automatism for survival. Family and social pressure follow a pattern and modern of education that is nothing but a bullying system that forces most people not to be themselves. While adapting to uniformity, we lose authenticity. It's nor surprising that many people insist on the important of self-love and self-parenting.

It's important to consider that someone people had terrible experiences in relationships or just ended one, what makes, asking someone to love themselves in order to receive something that is natural to us all; love. It's the same manipulative and controlling attitude that individual and the collective have used forever. You can't have this until you've done that.

There's nothing to prove to anyone. Nothing that we have to do in order to love or be loved. This popular saying has nothing to do with love. If you believe that you need to do something to find love, you'd need to keep doing something to keep love, which is an unconscious reactions to fear of abandonment. It's the illogical reasoning imposes and demands love: I love you, hence, "you have to love me back."

While learning and exploring self-love, self-care or tackling some of the deeper barriers that affect the development of the relationship that we have with the self and/or a partner, to love yourself first is not a requirement to find love. Love is everywhere and it could appear anytime.

We've been taught to fear from the beginning of our lives, and acquired every other sub-product of fear there is, which we implement in our relationships with others. It's time that we begin to understand and speak the qualities of love, and with the qualities of love, which sound and feel of freedom, creativity and expansion. There are no rules. I wish people stopped punishing others with this so-called new age wisdom.

Listen not to the words of others, but to the feeling you have when talking to others. If it's a conversation about love and it's not uplifting, it's probably not loving.

Since publishing this blog post last night, I've received numerous replies, mostly unkind, to put it mildly. First, I already wrote about how magnetic and attractive one can become when one vibrates in love and the feeling comes from within without the need for someone else to make us feel complete. The blog post can be found in this blog. Second, this is not an article on self-love, just pointing out the lazy sentence that leaves people feeling unworthy of love. Third, most of the comments I've read have been unkind, condescending and even abusive, not to mention that they were off topic, and it seems that didn't read the article, just wanted to put their message across.

I don't know how people can talk about self-love while using abusing and patronising language. It only proves my point further that some people talk about things they don't know about it because they don't feel it. If there's no love in the language, there's no love in the message.

Related articles:

The Freedom in Being Authentic.

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  1. This was a great article. It's how I feel, my fiancé broke up with me last week and I was told I attracted her because I didn't love myself first, I feel that is untrue. I do love myself, and I loved my fiancé with my whole heart. I feel she was not ready and just had some things she was dealing with.


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