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Learning To Be Alone: The Positive Step Towards A Healthy Relationship.


Loneliness is a feeling learned in childhood. Some of us learn to live with it, use the time we spend alone wisely, understanding that this is the way it is and overcome it. By accepting that we are born alone, live alone and die alone, we also learn to enjoy our own company; that we are enough. Enjoying our own company is a certain way to a happier life. Yet, most people rely on the company of others to avoid loneliness and boredom. It is a period in which we have an excellent opportunity to get to know ourselves. 

Depending on circumstances, one can feel lonely from the moment of birth, and it raises from the perception that there is not enough love around us. Somehow we are not fully welcome. There is no need for thought to reach this understanding; loneliness is a feeling. What we perceive and how we deal with it determines how we will act and react for the rest of our lives. Loneliness tells us that there is something missing. It is up to each of us to realise that what is missing is inside and not outside. 

Seeking the company of others is somewhat a natural way in which people believe it is possible to avoid feeling lonely. However, the feeling rarely goes away permanently. I have been advocating -not recommending or advising- the need to learn to be alone in some of my writings, particularly after a relationship. In 'Serial Dating: Loneliness As An Excuse To Love.', as well as in other blog posts, my view is that loneliness is responsible for most relationships. 

Some readers seem to interpret being alone as avoiding company or to refuse to begin a relationship when we fall in love with someone, but this is not what I am referring to. How people use their time when they are alone is open to their own interpretation. What it really means is that we spend the time we are alone in a way that is enjoyable to us. There are many ways in which one can use this time effectively. However, loneliness can obfuscate our thoughts and creativity.

There is a social stigma towards lonely people. Like every other feeling, loneliness is an energy. Its vibrations can be perceived by others, as the vibrations of being in love can be felt by anyone we come across with. At one point or another, we all have been affected by it. Loneliness is uncomfortable to others. It is not a pleasant vibration to feel, and when it is not ours, it is one we do not want near. The stigma comes when we recognise in others a familiar feeling that we do not have the courage to admit to. Therefore, even a person who goes to public places alone even if they don't feel lonely would make others feel uncomfortable. 

Loneliness is a low vibration, reason for which it is not advisable to begin a relationship when feeling it. At this stage we are only going to attract others with similar lower vibration. A low vibration does not prevent anyone to mix with others, and one can even fall in love with someone else and begin a relationship. From this moment, we only have to wait until the feeling returns, and it will. 

The excitement of a new relationship only covers up the feeling that we are trying to escape from. How ironic that so many people feel most lonely when in a relationship. As soon as loneliness hits back, one will do anything possible to escape it once again. We might find a substitute, a new partner, new friends, activities, anything that keeps us distracted from facing the reality. We feel lonely and refuse to face it. 

There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely. The feeling, however unpleasant, is there to show us what we have to work on. Avoidance does not make it go away. The first step towards changing it is to admit it. Then we must follow the necessary steps to move from loneliness to solitude, which is a much warmer feeling. The problem most of us face is that we keep looking for the answer in the wrong places. Everything in life is a paradox. In order to overcome loneliness we have to learn to be alone, enjoy our own company and see that we are enough as it is. 

As lonely is expressed energetically, there is also the possibility that others take advantage of our current situation. Not everyone we meet is kind, considerate and compassionate and if they can get a quick fix of any nature, they will. Not only this, they will do what it takes, lie or manipulate us in order to get what they want. We are vulnerable, open our hearts momentarily, trust others in hope of a healthy possibility to find the next day that we have been used and feel lonelier than ever. Of course, not everyone we meet will behave in such a way, but this a very frequent situation.

The situation one meets does not have to be a one to one. It could be in a group. Picture a group of friends going out for a drink in the evening where everybody ends drunk. I let you decide what the nature of their relationship is.

Spending time with someone else should be an enjoyable and healthy experience, not one that leaves residues of loneliness or worthlessness to name a couple. Loneliness can trigger desperate acts which can become addictive. Casual sex is a common occurrence among those who feel lonely. While sex is a healthy way in which to express ourselves, desperation can lead to very uncomfortable situations and can put us in the wrong place and even in dangerous situations. Sometimes it is best to walk back home alone and wait for a better, healthier occasion. 

The morning after can come with feelings that make us feel even worse than we felt the day before. We might not even be aware why we feel this way. There is not love for once. What happens is that to our low vibrational feelings we have added the low vibrations of others. If the other person disappears, feelings of abandonment might resurface. There are innumerable possibilities and occurrences in social interactions and not all can be considered in this text, although it is worth mentioning alcohol; another low vibrational originator. Let's mix loneliness, abandonment and alcohol together, and we have a potent cocktail of worthlessness and can lead to depression and take us to a very dark period in our lives.

Some people lead a promiscuous life due to an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Sex is an excellent practice to cover up any feeling, but the effect does not last long. The problem in this case is that the more we act it, the more we are going to feel it. Instead of fixing the problem, we make it worse. There are serious consequences to unhealthy sexual habits, but this is a topic for a completely different blog post. We can believe for as long as we like that promiscuity is an enjoyable way of living, but most people are not aware of the hidden facts and the negative energies that we might absorb with it.

I have received numerous requests asking how to overcome loneliness. In the next blog post I will give practical steps to overcome loneliness and learn to be alone. It can be a very healthy, creative and self-revealing period. Any negative feeling or emotion can be transcended. For now, accept that this is they way it is right now and make a conscious decision that you are willing to learn to be alone and enjoy the experience. Being alone does not mean we cannot have fun.

To make the period in which we are alone, we also have to learn to love ourselves or at least take positives steps towards it. If you are interested you can find numerous blog posts in this link.

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