A reader recently asked me a question regarding her relationship. As she is not happy with her current partner, she was considering to stay with him until someone else appears. This is not a question that I will answer, as it is a very personal decision, and one which I believe she already knows the answer to. Seeking advice or validation from others in such matters is one way to avoid responsibility for our actions. However, this is a question that affects many people and harms even more daily.
In order to find true love, there are several steps we can take. Even though there is not a magical formula to find love, we can lead a life that increases the possibilities of finding it. In 'Calling In The One: In The Quest Of Love' . There might not be only one way to find love with another person, but certainly there are ways in which we can remove the obstacles that we alone create, preventing us from finding it. In the blog post I mentioned above you can find elements that will take you a few steps closer to love. There is only love and once you believe in this statement, nothing can block it from coming your way. The universe is listening. The answer is in your message and how you voice it.
The topic today is chain dating. The serial dater is a person who begins a relationship with someone else before they finish the current one, thus, interconnecting the energies of at least three people in the narrative of the story. These are people who are in desperate need of love and whose only solution lies in being in a relationship. They don't need love more than others. It is the false belief in the idea that in order to be complete, we need someone else. As we cannot find the feeling of completeness within, we try and find it with somebody else, if only for a while. The partner they are with might be important, but what matters above all is the relationship, making the other person rather irrelevant.
The chain dater uses a relationship in order to avoid loneliness, not knowing that a relationship is not the antidote to it. They don't necessarily have to be with the other person 24/7, but they do rely on the status and the relationship to feel complete; to gain a sense of worth. When someone is driven by this need, having a partner is essential, even though their partner not might be as essential as it appears to be. For these people changing partners is fairly easy, as well as very insulting to the one who is left behind, and to themselves.
The intention of this writing is not to judge, but to create awareness, as at one point in our lives we might come across with one of these individuals, or perhaps we are one of them already. Ending the relationship to move to another one immediately comes unavoidably with feelings of guilt and/or shame, but as they found a new clouded reality in which the sense of love seems true, these feelings remain buried deep within.
The paradox here is that by falling in love, they avoid experiencing the true feelings that would allow self-love and healing to take place.
Let's remember that our behaviour and actions, however wrong they might seem to others, are only a vehicle to know ourselves, therefore, neither criticism, nor judgment help to find solutions. Awareness does. Everyone wants to love and be loved and we all use different ways to express it and search for it.
They are also addicted to falling in love. It is this feeling; falling in love that ultimately controls their lives. Falling in love acts as a narcotic that temporarily soothes the urges of the ego. Ego has the relationship mapped out and survives under the false idea of control.
Adrenaline and excitement create the addiction, but as these are feelings difficult to maintain for long periods, they will jump in someone else's arms at the first sign of dissatisfaction. Paradoxically, they are the people who need to be alone for longer periods and stay away from relationships. The only way to overcome loneliness is by learning to be alone, learning to love ourselves and realise that they already are worthy of love.
Being alone between relationships is essential to learn more about ourselves. It is the time when we are not defined by others and we have the necessary freedom to explore ourselves, recollect our thoughts, experiences and feelings, so as to improve our lives and enter the next relationship in a healthier state.
When we interconnect relationships, beginning one as the other ends, the repercussions are greater than we might believe. At this stage we don't have any certainty about our true feelings. The feeling of falling in love might feel real, but it is a selfish need for love and it is nor real. They do not hesitate to leave someone or to make them suffer, often without warning and in the name of love. Love, contrary to popular believe, does not harm.
When a relationship ends, it is very important to go through an indefinite period of time to let go of the other person. Without letting go, a healthy relationship with someone else is simply not possible. The fact that we separate from the physical person does not mean that the relationship is over. Feelings, habits, behaviour and energy remain. The impact that a relationship can have on someone's life sometimes can linger for a lifetime if we don't let go.
Moving from relationship to relationship as one could move from one hotel room to another will only leave a sense of emptiness. The hotel room is empty until we enter it. People come and go. The notion that someone else is there for a while, fills the room temporarily. The only room where we can find love and inner peace is in the space we create within. The initial excitement that appears in a new relationship could hide this feeling, even though it is always within and it will be triggered at some point by a situation that recreates such feeling. When it appears, it is time to move on and find someone else to fall in love.
The serial dater is very likely to return to a previous partner if their current relationship is unsuccessful, but for one reason only: they have not met anyone else yet. They don't move at random. Their approach would be calculated, so as to have a safety net. As long as they are in a relationship, they feel safe. It is also very possible that they leave the same person again when they meet someone new whom they might believe will remove the sense of loneliness, their lack of self-worth and self-esteem. Old flames rarely offer a new passion or a new feeling, but the comfort of familiarity and the illusion of security.
If your partner has abandoned you in such an untimely fashion, do know that their decision has nothing to do with you, but with their insecurities and fears. Don't blame yourself for it and stop asking questions that don't have an answer. You will never find out what the answer is. Accept the situation as it is, let go, move on, wish them well and say farewell. In time you will realise that their decision benefits you. They are in love with the idea of being in love, and while they don't find what they look for within, they will try and find it with another person. Your ex-partner cannot provide an answer either. They act through impulse because they have not yet understood themselves.
Being in love is what and who we naturally are; the chain dater is only trying to find a way to go back to this feeling, to return home. The fact that they are looking for it in the wrong places does not make anyone wrong. The consequences of their actions might cause us pain, suffering and heartbreak, but they are not more lost than we might be. The fact we start a relationship with someone who will eventually abandon us, should serve as an indication that we are not yet ready to accept love fully.
There is a positive to this situation, even though the first impression might be interpreted as harmful and selfish. The positive part has to be understood from the perspective that heartbreak is necessary in order to heal. Subconsciously we choose to fall in love with someone who will break our hearts. The secret of healing lies in the way we go through heartbreak. We can either feel it from beginning to end or we can indulge in pain and suffering feeling sorry for ourselves.
Heartbreak has to be felt, so as to turn it into a healthy experience that works in our favour by means of healing. Resisting heartbreak will only reproduce heartbreak in the future again and again. Feeling heartbreak helps to release the energies that create it in the first place. It is a long and painful process, but it is also beautiful to go through it; to learn its essence and healing qualities.
There is a widely spread misunderstanding about heartbreak. Heartbreak is the door to letting go and to enlightenment. As it requires a long text, I must leave it here now, but I will reveal in which can be understood, so as to open our experience to a new dimension in which we can find love, self-love and inner peace.
The hope for the chain dater lies in the awareness that should come from the experience of several failed relationships in which they cannot find what they are looking for. Too often we blame others for the failure of previous relationships. The truth is that we all follow a pattern in relationships. When they don't work, the healthiest steps we can take are to take responsibility and consider and reconsider what we might be doing wrong. Finding fault in others will never show us what we need to know.
The more hearts we break in our quest of love, the more painful our heartbreak will be. No one is exempt from heartbreak. The chain dater is a person whose heart is broken, only that they don't know and they don't remember. And let's think of this, what is done to us, we do to others, whether we are aware of it or not.
The following blog post provides a useful tool to a life changing experience, and new beginnings.
How A Spiritual Reading Can Transform Your Life Immediately.
If loneliness is an emotion that you're going through right now and stopping you from growing, you might want to read these two blogs and consider taking healthy steps:
Learning To Be Alone: The Positive Step Towards A Healthy Relationship.
How To Overcome Loneliness.