For over a year I have been asked on multiple occasions why I am single. While I don't believe this is a question I have to answer, I feel that writing this blog post would be beneficial for many people who are currently in the same situation. My answer to that question might surprise many, which is in itself a good reason not to respond to relentless questioning.
Perhaps the first point to consider is that it is perfectly fine to be single. It is a period that offers incredible opportunities for personal growth when taking healthy steps. Being single is neither a social disease, nor a sign that one is not lovable. Under the beliefs of patriarchal society, being single is frowned upon and somehow carries a certain stigma; as if one was not enough.
The message that we transmit to the world is very important, not only in order to be understood by others, but to understand who we are. Being single is both, a status and a personal statement. Being questioned constantly can create insecurity, low self-esteem and a false impression of incompleteness. Whatever statement we make must have a solid foundation. For this to happen it is essential that this period is used making healthy and wise choices.
During this period we have more time for ourselves. The activities that we choose to take on determine who we are and who we are going to be in the near future. It is a time to join different groups that allows a certain degree of creativity. There are hundreds if not thousands of options to join creative courses and different social groups in which we would meet people. One might choose to join a single's group with the intention to meet someone special. However, most social groups integrate single people. I believe that it is more important to focus our attention in finding the group that allows us to explore our creative abilities and meet our expectations and interests.
We might meet someone special, we might not. What truly matters is that we develop ourselves and grow to what and who we want to be. The rest will come and fall into place when we are ready. Everyone has to be single at some point in their lives. There is no need to be in a relationship to be complete. Living under the pressure of this belief could lead to form relationships with the wrong person, and someone who feels in a similar way.
When we begin a relationship everything changes. Personal worth and self-esteem raise. If we are with the wrong person or believe we deserve better, want better, etc., it is very likely that one or both of the partners continue looking for someone else. It is neither OK to use someone for this purpose, nor to treat ourselves in such a way.
When being single is a personal statement of who and what we are, there are certain aspects to consider. It is a time to be alone and to meet with others. It is possible to maintain a healthy balance. Being questioned about our status repeatedly does not help. I use this time to do what I want to do. We all have a purpose in life and sometimes it is easier to do this alone. Not everyone is going to understand what we do or to reach the necessary compromise to provide sufficient personal space for it. Being in a relationship because it is a must it could be as detrimental as feeling lonely are not worth of love.
There are many people who value themselves more than others and are not prepared to settle for the first person who shows interest. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with the other person, but that we can perceive that a relationship with them does not have a future. Allowing this period of solitude would bring the right person at the right time once we understand that it is OK to be single.
Making the need for a relationship imperative, not only creates pressure and instability, but it emits an energy around us that speaks of desperation. This energy can be perceived by others and make anyone a very unattractive person. The most attractive person can become the most unattractive while functioning with this energy. It is very unhealthy. This is shown when someone who has been single for a long period finally enters a new relationship. It is not only love they found, but relief. It is very likely that functioning with this energy they will sooner or later begin to seek for someone else. As we feel better with ourselves, people tend to believe that now it is time to improve, as if relationships were something we can upgrade regularly.
My belief is that being single is a period to either find our purpose in life or to carry it out. The last time I met with my teacher Claudio Naranjo and the wonderful members of his staff he delivered a few important messages for me. One, "you are a writer, find the right space to write and just do that." While I have not yet found the ideal space to write, I continue writing. One cannot wait for the right circumstances to appear in order to carry out our purpose.
The other message and perhaps the most significant touched me deeply and somehow I live by it. I am not going to use some of the words he said, so as not to lead anyone to misinterpretation, although the message is equally clear. This is what he said: "Some people want to heal -he used a different word here- for selfish reasons, to have a comfortable life and have a healthy and cosy relationship; but seeing the state the world is in, one would like to think that with a such a gift, they would go out there and help to fix the world."
The priority in life is not to be in a relationship. The best relationship we can have is with ourselves. It is time that we begin to dismantle all beliefs regarding to this subject and we celebrate any relationship status we are currently in. For some people Valentine's day is a real trauma, as they only see themselves surrounded by people who are in relationships. While this is not a true fact, giving our attention to it only allows us to see what we lack and not what we have.
As I mentioned earlier, the message we deliver to the world is very important, but it is also very important to pay attention and realise what the world is asking from us and why it is asking. I could give numerous examples, but today I am going to used only a few. I am a father. When I let someone know, no one has ever asked me why I am a father. At the same time I am a writer. The same applies here. No one has asked me yet why I am a writer. However, in the majority of cases when someone realises that I am single, the question is almost inevitable.
What most people don't seem to realise when asking this question is that what they are really asking is, "what is wrong with you?" Very often we are unaware that when we disapprove the actions of others or nudge them to change their situation, what we really do is to express our fear of being connected to a reality that we would not like to be in. Being single makes most people feel uncomfortable, hence it is normal to express concern and nothing one can say would ease such discomfort.
There are many reasons why one is single. I could have given an account of my personal circumstances, beliefs, wishes and desires, but as I said, explaining ourselves to the world is not necessary. What it matters at this moment is that we all have a responsibility towards others and to help and make this world a better place. As I am aware of this fact, as well as to what my life purpose is, I live every day with what I create and what is presented to me. Thoughts of a new relationship, come and go, but it is not what rules my life. Perhaps I meed someone very special tomorrow; perhaps I am meant to spend the rest of my life alone. Either way, I live here and now and what is not here does not have any influence in my life.
When we try and explain ourselves to the world to be misunderstood and misinterpreted anyway, we lose our true power and we buy into the lie of social conditioning, separating from the true purpose of the soul. No matter how we explain ourselves or how often, there is always someone ready to misunderstand our reality. It is their fear and who they are at the present time, not who you really are. You don't need to explain yourself. Just be.
We continue trying to explain and even excuse our actions, as we were conditioned to do so in childhood. You are no longer a child and your choices and decisions are as valid as anyone else's. As long as we don't harm anyone, we have all the right in the world to be ourselves and in whichever way we choose to be. Let's celebrate the magic of our individuality and learn to integrate with and accept the idiosyncrasies of others. Our differences put together and working towards an unique goal is what humanity craves and what we are here for: Oneness.
The following blog post provides a useful tool to a life changing experience, and new beginnings.
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