Love Deprivation: When Expressing Love Seems Impossible.
Last night I was having a conversation with a friend online until the connection got lost in the mysterious abyss of the wireless universe. My guess is that technology has not yet evolved sufficiently to handle such strong human emotions. The disconnection, however, gives me the opportunity to provide her, as well as many others with a more paused answer. When we read, however emotional the subject is, one can stop and soak on the information provided in their own time, as well as to release those emotions when and where we wish.
The question is not one easy to deal with when one has experienced it throughout life. More than a question, her plea was a statement. As she was deprived of love from a very early age she finds it very difficult to give love to others as an adult. Today I'm writing this blog, as a man writes to a woman, and at times it might even read as a letter. I know that many readers will identify with it. If you're a man experiencing the same, which is very likely, change the gender of the writer. The same applies to both, men and women.
Deprivation of love in childhood is very common. I was born in a household where the stick danced from morning until bed time and where love only appeared sometimes during a family celebration after a second glass and it was too embarrassing to beat the child for no reason. The effect this had on me later in life was significant. In past relationships I would ask most of my partners to save their 'I-love-you's' for family and friends. It wasn't that I didn't want love. I just couldn't trust love.
Signs of affection were suffocating to the point I put a stop to it on endless occasions. The same applied to showing affection to others. I was not a match to them, but never I doubted my love for them. The fact is that it was almost impossible to express it. As this was the way I grew up, until it became part of my character and personality and my many reasons and excuses to run away.
In time this feeling disappeared to the point that I can show love to anyone who needs it anytime, anywhere without reservations. What you see in me it's nothing but a future representation of you.
Not being able to express love as we often see others doing makes existence wearisome, especially when one knows that all there is within is love, and day after day the best part of ourselves cannot find an outlet to connect with the people we love most in the way we want to. It makes us look insensitive, selfish and careless. It is an unbearable feeling to know that the heart is on fire and not being able to show to that one person who matters most.
In the case of my friend, as in many others, this is a stage we have to go through and like everything else in life, it will pass. What is important at this moment is having the awareness, the courage to admit it, feel it, and shed as many tears as one has within. This world holds back too many tears that must be shed if we really want to heal. Tears make us stronger.
You've been strong enough for too long and what you don't see is that engulfed by the belief that you're not giving enough, you are giving too much instead.
The fact that we are beings born in love, but we have to learn how to love later on in life borders tragedy. It's not your fault. It was never your fault. What is important to remember is that people who have suffered from deprivation of love at such an early age are more in touch with the soul, as they remained closer to it and put up a fierce battle daily to protect it from others. Once you finally connect with the most beautiful expression of yourself, its manifestation will be one of the most loving and caring, if not the most.
The truth is the soul is always protected. Nothing can destroy it. It's time to drop the guard, be vulnerable and allow feelings in and out.
There are many ways in which to express love. Love is not just saying I love you. There's not a quota of love expressions one must fill in every day. Cooking for someone is a way to say I love you, as it is to take them to your favourite places or simply going for a walk to the farmers market.
From the outside it is easy to see how on countless occasions my friend has showed me love unconditionally, expecting nothing in return, but this is something she cannot yet see. The idea that one has to be over-expressive with continual signs of love is rooted in the endemic, desperate need of a world that lacks in love and seeks constant confirmation that one has to be loved and deserves to be loved. Everyone deserves love. Everyone! But love must be expressed freely and when felt, not when others need it or demand it.
This feeling carries deeper consequences that one might think on the surface. First, it stops people from seeking love with those they'd wish to be loved by, as the feeling is that they cannot be met as equals. Love is not a competition to prove who loves more.
There are men who could hold the space for you to explore any fears, demons or anxieties in a safe manner. Love is patient too. Any man who values himself and appreciates who you are would happily wait for that moment in which a spontaneous expression of love melts their hearts. That is a moment and a feeling worth waiting for, however long it takes. One spontaneous, sincere expression of love last longer and moves deeper effect than all quota-filling-signs put together.
Furthermore, the same feeling becomes a prison, a habit, and a way of living in which people continue pursuing and falling in 'lust' with people they don't have to show affection to -not for long anyway- and with whom they can't really fall in love. The belief is that if I can't show love, I don't deserve it either, being one resigned to go from heartbreak to heartbreak, seeking lovers and partners which in the majority of cases are emotionally unavailable. Every escapade is the last one until the next. Sadly, this self-destructive cycle might never end.
What truly matters to a free man is that you choose to be with them one day after the other, until you can see that your presence alone is in itself the most beautiful expression of love one can receive. What's important is to have the opportunity to choose you every day among all women, not how many times you're capable of producing an 'I love you'. Men like me, like them, already hold all the love we need, thus we can hold that safe space for you. We might not tell you everything you want to hear, because we know that doing so is the easiest way to seduce others, so as to keep them unconscious and under control.
What my friend and many other women and men out there don't seem to see is the magic they hold within. She's a magical woman, incredibly talented, generous, loving and caring even in her 'unfeeling' and for now 'inexpressive' ways. Anyone who can feel energy would feel the amazing warmth flowing from a heart on fire that has not yet learned to speak love loudly enough. But love is a feeling, a way to be, holding a silence, whispers. That is love.
And yes, she has a flaw or two, but who cares about flaws when she's an enchanting source of surprises, magic and wonders that would make any man fall in love with her every day of their lives for the rest.
For now stay safe, be selfish and get what you want and need without taking from others. This is a healthy way of being selfish. Trust your intuition, find your own truth, stop listening to others -including me-, have compassion for yourself and above all, follow your heart and never be afraid to fall in love with a free man if that is what you wish. They understand and would support you while you're working your magic on your way to be a star.
Finally and to clear the air. If I had to do it all again, I'd go back to the same household with the dancing stick and all. Yes, I'd do it all over again and wouldn't change one bit. There's a moment in life when the black and white of our past turn to colours and we realise that it was always there, and that there was love all around. We just couldn't see it.
Posted by Manel Blanco